Port Kar Camp

Reading after reading was divined and by the end of the day, I had collected several silvers to fill my pouch. Too, I have been invited to visit, something that I may take them up on.

I was even able to buy Charm a wonderful little rocking kaiila, which now, I can’t keep her off of. She misses Kain, often calling out daddy when she is asleep, and looking around for him when she is awake.

I miss him too.

An Unlikely Ally

“I know what it’s like to be without your flesh and blood. Despite the laws that give father’s precedence in such matters, no child should be without their mother.”

They come in all forms, but the form I did not expect it to take was Zarah. She helped me to escape Ar, even booking our passage. Perhaps it was the fact that she didn’t want to see a child lose her mother, or perhaps she just wanted me as far away from her companion as she could send me. Regardless, I am grateful to the woman, even if I do realize the price to be paid later might be more than I’m willing to pay.

An Unwanted Confinement

I had been in my room for days, trying to keep out of the path of Zarah. Why she doesn’t like me is a mystery, one I’m sure will never be solved.

I left Charm with the nanny, deciding it was time I paid Gabriel a visit. He wasn’t hard to find, fresh from the operating room. I could tell by the blood.

He didn’t even bother to look at me when I entered. I wasn't getting a warm reception anywhere in his house.

"Have you heard from Kain? Or anything about him?"

"No Astraea." His demeanor was cold, so much like Kain. "You will be the first to know the moment I do."

"I was thinking that maybe Charm and I would attend the upcoming Sardar Faire. Just to get us out of Ar for awhile. We'd be safe there." No answer, he was ignoring me. "I don't know what else to do, and I can't stay here forever."

"You're staying here Astraea.. Kain wouldn't be happy to know you're running.. again. But if you wish to go I can not stop you, though the child stays here."

How could he even think that I would leave my daughter? And then I realized he knew I wouldn’t leave her. She had become a game piece atop a chaotic board of kaissa.

"And why do you think my child would be safer in a city run by a mad man, then pasangs away, where we wouldn't be found?"

"Are you under the impression that this is up for debate? My brother asked me to watch over you and his child. You are not going any where.. I don't have to rationalize what I say to you. Legally you are my ward, and I will slap a collar on your throat until your companion returns.. if you cross me."

So I tried another approach. "Then why don't we all go to the faire? I'm sure your son's would enjoy it, as well as your companion. We would all be safe and I wouldn't be out of your sight. Please. I.. need to go. I need to get out of Ar for a few hands."

"You're pushing your luck. I've already told you, you can do what you want.. the child goes no where."

"But you know I won't leave her. So does Kain. She's my daughter and she needs me." I took a deep breath. I was not so stupid as to see that round one had been lost. "Fine. Thank you for your time."

I returned to my room, to find my daughter gone, which set no amount of small panic surging through me. So again I returned to Gabe. "Can you tell me where my daughter was taken? She's not in her room."

"Zarah probably took her out with boys for a treat."

"So your companion has permission to leave this House with my child, but I do not?" I was visibly upset and my fingers were curling inward towards my palms in response.

"Yes, she does. My companion is the Mistress of this house and will do as she pleases. You are my brother's companion who I was charged with making sure not die. And If I were you, I'd uncurl my fist as that is in fact a threat and I won't hesitate from spanking your ass until I break every bone in my hand."

"How is my daughter any safer with your woman, then with me? She doesn't even want me here. I've seen the way she glares at me. How do I know she won't hand my daughter over to the first person that asks?" My fingers did loosen, though not completely. "This isn't what Kain would have wanted and you know it."

"Do I seem like I care about what she thinks of you.. or what you think of her.. or even more importantly what you think of this situation."

I took a deep breath and then turned around, stepping out into the fresh air and sunshine. None of this was turning out as I thought it should.

I am trapped.

Double Trouble

I did not realized how much they looked alike. Especially in the dark.

Kain had come home, late, but he hadn’t come directly to our couch. Instead, he had sat in the adjoining room. Little did I know it wasn’t my Kain.

He said all the right things, words interspersed with the perfect measure of annoyance. I kissed his cheek in greeting, but that, according to Kain, was not the proper greeting he required.

It wasn’t long before I was undressed and we were in the bath, talking not exactly on his mind. Something was different, but I thought it was just his melancholy mood. I should have stuck to my instincts.

" I am trapped Astraea.. and there's nothing I can do about it. They've found Gabe and they're going to kill him. If I help my brother.. I will be caught.. and if I don't he'll die. I don't know.. I don't know what to do Astraea...if I save Gabe I put you and Charm at risk...and I most certainly will be assassinated. If Gabe dies, the resistance falls, his children are fatherless... his companion a widow. I want you to leave in the morning take Charm and go to my brother's house. I want you to tell him what I've told you. He'll protect you."

I didn’t understand how it was safer there than here, but he was right, I did have to warn Gabe. The fact that I would be living under the same roof with Zarah wasn’t so appealing either. I told him as much.

I thought he was going to slap me, but instead he only screamed at me. "DON'T QUESTION ME! DO AS I FUCKING SAY!"

He went silent for a moment, but when he spoke again, it made my blood go cold. "If he finds you... he'll gut Charm. He'll open her up and toss her to the sleens. And in your fit of mourning..

He and all his cabinet will take turns beating and raping you until you go insane. They'll make me watch and when they are done with you. Then they might kill me ...slowly."

Surprisingly, I was quite composed on the outside, but inside I was terrified. I had to get my daughter out of Ar, despite what he was telling me to do. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to question you."

I knew no one could truly protect us.

"I'm sorry too .. My brother will take care of you. Gabe's a good man."

He took me in his arms and kissed me, and he held me as if he would never see me again.

"Why... why do you love me Astraea?"

"Why? Because you accept me the way I am. You don't try to turn me into anything other then the woman I was destined to become."

"You better make this one unforgettable night." For it would be our last. I didn’t need the cards to tell me that.

"Oh it will be."

Had I only known.

My hands had begun to roam over his shoulders, his stomach, kisses coursed across his chin and mouth.

"Take a good look Astraea..." He shoved me away. "I am not Kain." He turned and walked away from me.

"Gabe? Then where is .. my companion?" Kain was the only worry on my mind, not the fact that his brother had purposely deceived me.

"He's trying to figure out what to do with the mockery he has made of his post. Everything I told you about him and Phelps and me.. It's true."

As shock set in, my second question was asked. "Why would you do.. this." Realizing I was still naked, I found I did not have enough hands to try and cover myself. At this point, Gabriel handed me a towel.

"I don't know. I wanted to see what the big turn on was. Sleeping with your brother's companion.. fooling someone else, Kain seems to like it so. "

"I see. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. You best leave before Kain gets home."

"Kain isn't coming home.. When you are less angry come see me. I have something for you from him."

As hurt and angry as I was at his deception, I couldn’t let him leave without knowing what he had for me. "I'm less angry. What do you have for me? Why isn't he coming home?"

"Because Phelps is going to try and kill me, I am not the only one pretending to my own brother. I don't know where he is or how to stop him.. so don't bother asking. He gave me a letter for you." He handed me the letter and for a moment, I was too afraid to read it. But I did.

‘My dearest love, I've done a lot of bad things in my life.. and I have the chance to protect my family. Go to Gabe.. and wait.. I will find you and Charm if I live.

Love K’

I folded the letter up and clutched it to my breast. "I'll need some time to get Charm dressed and ready.. and to pack. I assume we won't be telling your.. companion about your state of undress... here."

"I'll tell her. Zarah will be angry.. but I fooled you not the other way around."

"Yes, I suppose you did. It seems.. quite heartless, considering your brother is being held to protect.. all of us."

My life was about to become significantly.. less pleasant.

Dismantled Meet

It is my habit to go out each day and at least try to do a reading for someone. It’s not often I take Charm with me, but today I was glad I did.

I found him in one of the parks, a man with his son, a boy not much older than my precious Charm.

He was a non believer, as many are, but he was curious, and I was more than willing to sate that curiosity.

While Constantijn and Charm busied themselves with introductions, I set out the cards, allowing him to choose what would be read.

Taluna, The Eight of Swords, The Impaled Man.

Words of wisdom and warnings were offered, but I could see the doubt in his eyes.

But none the less he was a good sport, even offering me payment due with slight of hand.

Not to mention Charm had made her first friend. Yes, all in all I would say it was a splendid day.

I hope to read for Valentijn again.

Breakfast for Three

I awoke to Kain and Charm leaning over my bed, patting me and trying to draw me from a deep sleep. Both moved to sit on the edge of my couch, while I tried to tame the wild red ringlets of Charm and myself. My two most favorite people in the world were hungry.

" Zarah came to see me this morning..." The perfect way to start out my day. "She came under the guise of patching things up with Gabe... I do not wish to do that.. Gabe is better without me."

"Guise? So you don't think her patching things up between the two of you was her main objective?"

"Doubtful.. I am not sure what she was here for...I am not even sure she does. She made comments about the fling between us.. belittled you.. and generally was her normal self."

Trust. I kept repeating it quietly under my breath. Given a chance, I did think he would sleep with her again. But he hadn’t. He had no reason to lie to me. In fact, most times, Kain was painfully honest with me.

I wish I could lose this feeling of foreboding that has attached itself to me. But with each day it becomes more pronounced, like a pregnancy that will reap no rewards. As much as I want to run away, to hide, I can not bear to leave him.

And I fear that in itself will be my undoing.

January 16, 2008

Whispers in the Night

He found me curled up and asleep in his bed. I hadn’t seen him in days, with no clue as to where he’d been or what he’d been doing. Kain doesn’t share much with me, and I have to wonder why. In many ways I think he believes he is protecting me, but how can I ready against the unknown? Several times I’ve thought of divining the cards, just to see what they have to offer, but I am afraid of what they might say.

"Charm has been asking for you. We both wish we could see you more. But we understand. Anything new with the resistance?"

"I wouldn't know.. I've been working for Phelps.. I am done with that...I think I am going to fall more fully into this role I've created. Maybe if Phelps trusts me more I can tell him about you.. maybe he won't hurt you."

"Do you really think that's a good idea? I mean, if he knows about me, he'll know about Charm." I was forgetting my place again, so I sought to soothe ruffled feathers before I angered him. "But of course, whatever you think."

"What choice do I have.. I fucked up with Gabe and perhaps if I can get him to trust that I am working for him. He'll leave my family alone. I will tell him about Charm."

To my surprise he said nothing and in an effort to keep the calm, I quickly changed the subject. "Are you going to have any days free soon? I was hoping to spend one with you." I could feel it. I can feel it. Our time is coming to an end, as bitter sweet at that ending will be. He promised to set aside some time at the end of the hand, but something inside told me that time would never come. He left the room and I thought I would not see him again, but he soon returned with chocolate cake, which we shared.

"Do you realize we've been companioned for a full three moons? Well, almost. We're just day or two shy. I couldn't have it dissolved." I felt the need to tell him this, so that he would know no matter what, I would stand by him. At all costs, even though he didn’t reply to my heartfelt words.

Kain is a hard man and it is not often he apologizes, but tonight he did. I told him that I loved him and that he did not have to apologize for anything.

Wrong answer.

His hand immediately went to my throat, his thumb resting over my lower lip, my reaction to his apology not taken very well. "Shut up for once and listen to me. No.. I don't have to tell you I am sorry. But I am sorry ...I am not asking you to accept this shit from me...but it is compulsion. I don't know why I fucked her. But I am sorry.. You probably don't.. understand how I could love you and do that.. but I do love you Astraea."

"I know. I have always known you wouldn't be faithful to me Kain, nor was it something I ever asked of you. I know your habits but it doesn't matter to me. I love you. I have always loved you. Slave or companion, I am yours now and forever. Until the day one of us no longer breathes."

A day I fear will come sooner, rather than later.

Life Goes On..

Charm and I have returned to Ar, alone. Back to our small cozy abode in the Great Square, the home in which I am most comfortable.

I miss him already and it’s only been a short amount of time. So, to keep distracted, I have started a remodel job in the shop. A new color on the walls, furniture and hopefully a painting I will have commissioned by an artist soon.

Life goes on. So much easier said.. then done.

The Honeymoon’s Over

I think Gabriel had tried to kill him, not that either man would ever admit that to me.

He had sent for Charm and I, asking us to meet him in a hotel room that wasn’t the one we were sharing.

I found Kain badly beaten, Gabriel and his companion there as well. I’m not sure what happened verbally between the men, but Gabe had far less wounds on him then Kain.

Gabe, who is a physician, had me wrap Kain’s ribs, then left, leaving me to deal with the volcanic eruption I was sure was to come. But it would not come right away. I sat in the chair, Charm in my arms, watching him through the night, making sure he was as comfortable as I could make him.

Sometime during the early dawn ahns I had fallen asleep, and when I awoke, I realized he too had awakened, and had taken Charm from my arms.

I rose immediately asking if he would like breakfast. He had already begun to feed Charm, which I offered to finish for him so he could rest. "I can do that for you."

I immediately quieted at the warning look. "I think I am quite capable of feeding my daughter. And I don't want breakfast. What the fuck are you doing?? Just go sit down. I don't need you to mother me."

I suppose taking care of Charm has made me want to take care of everyone I care about. He asked me why I had come, if I had come to say farewell. He didn’t even remember sending for me.

He doesn’t want me here. Perhaps he feels that I smother him, perhaps he feels he made a mistake in me.

But even so, I cannot fault him for the way he is. After all, he did give me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. Our daughter.