With My Dying Breath

I feel as if I am still dreaming, I suppose from the holdover of not getting enough sleep. Visions, fragmented, promised pictures that flash rapidly before my eyes, dreams indulged by darkness, that often border on nightmares. Women prance about with their silken scarves in an imitation’s dance of brightly colored butterflies just outside my window, and I find that I am envious of such freedoms for the first time in my life. The grieving churns and swells within, as surely as the life that so recently filled me with the ever elusive emotion of hope, of healing. Not even all the good I have done could make up for the only mistake I have made with him.

My daughter is gone, custody now in the hands of her father, a man who cannot even look at me without turning away.

I tried to burn the whispers, I tried to incinerate the madness, I tried to break the bond between myself and the faded squares of rence that have plagued me all of my life like some incurable, malignant disease, but even as the tattered edges caught to flame, I was compelled to dig them away from the orange glow of coals with my bare hands, remorse castrated by reasonable thought.

The clawing plight of tormented talons clutched at my head, incipient hysteria giving way as a wave of anguish broke through me, piercing the very gates of death, mournful wails echoing from the depths of a shattered soul.

“Shhh. You should have listened to us. We tried to warn you.”


Journal Entry: Maayan 5th day of En'Var (4) in the year 10,160 CA
I found her on the floor near the fireplace in her room at the inn, curled into a ball, whimpers half dissolved with weariness, her fingers singed and blistered by heat. I think she tried to burn them, the cards, but for reasons I may never know or understand, decided at the last ehn she’d changed her mind. She’s quiet now, though I wouldn’t say resting comfortably, instead staring out the window into a vast space of catatonic nothingness, her eyes drained of color, vacant and emotionless. I’ve applied salve and bandaged her hands, but already I can see the burns have started to heal.

Charm is coloring contentedly at her side and is unaffected by the state of her mother. They seem linked by a bond I cannot describe, with daughter answering aloud to questions or comments that her mother does not physically voice.

I have decided to take them both back to the island as soon as possible, the arrangements having already been made. Perhaps there she can find the will to heal.

The Birth

It had started in the early ahns of morning, a nagging cramp in the center of her back, but the pain had quickly begun to blossom outwards, and four ahns later Astraea was in the full throttle of labor. Lucian had been sent for before the rays of lar torvis had ever touched the edge of camp, as soon as she had realized that Mia was about to make her descent into a chaotic and unknown world.

Charm had awoken the moment that Astraea had first cried out in pain and frustration, bare feet tapping over the floor of Maayan's wagon, one hand lifted to the shoulder of her aunt in gentle nudge. "It's time."

The wind beyond the shuttered window of Astraea's room had ceased to blow, an eerie silence cocooning around the inn in a heavy pall, the air thick with panting whimpers, with tension and obscure fear.

Physician scrambled to ready cloths and instruments and with the first sign of crowning had demanded instructions be followed. "Push!" The top of head baby's head, a mass of damp darkness was forced forward, shoulders soon to follow, the healthy wail of a child heard almost instantly, ruddy arms and legs flailing in unsure distress at being expelled from the comforting warmth and safety of mother's womb.

The birth had been an easy one, all things considered, and once the smallest Simon's cord was cut and she was examined and swaddled, the child was handed over to her father so that he could count fingers and toes and be the first to bond with the daughter that he had wished for.

Heartbeat

I awoke with only one thing on my mind, making it through the day without impending sadness. I wasn’t entirely successful, but there was an undying bright moment that saw me through, listening to the heartbeat of my daughter.

It had become habit with each appointment of reading or whereabouts that I left such information at the desk of the inn, so that Lucian would always know in which direction I was headed. Perhaps it was the words Physician’s tent that set his feet in chosen path, he entering shortly after my reading with the woman in green.

Instead of compensation in coin I had opted for another form of payment, one that father and I would both benefit from. I had asked to hear the heartbeat of my unborn daughter, or rather, I had asked for us both to hear the heartbeat, quiet assurances that all was well, something I believe we both needed confirmation on.

The magical moment of hearing new life passed all too quickly, but we were both rewarded with the reassurance that the heartbeat was strong and healthy with no pending complications.

I love this child, as I have since the moment of realized conception. I want only the best for her, a perfect life filled with laughter and joy. She will not be like me, or Charm, or those that will follow the line of descendants doomed to see the fleeting images of what future holds.

And I am so thankful for that.

Lucky Me

I think they will forgive me, but I had no where else to turn. It’s not something I can talk to anyone about, and I felt as if I needed a clearer view. If I can only understand, that in itself promises freedom.

I did today something I rarely do, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I shuffled the cards for at least an ahn, while I rationalized that what I was doing. The deck was cut and I stared at it while I toiled with my decision. Spurred on by fragments of hope, I quickly chose three cards, before I lost my nerve.

The Ten of Coins.
The loss of honor, difficult times and family misfortune. This was the card of my past, but could have very well been the card of my present. Loneliness. It brought to thought my son and I immediately felt a pang of pain, of undeniable regret and mourning. I could feel my fingers twitch and I pulled them from the surface of rence, but even then I could hear their whispers.

Tre Moons
How utterly appropriate that this would be the card of my present. Nightmares and phobia’s, emotional chaos. An error caused by an inability to see the consequences. Deception, illusion. Hidden forces. Despair. Mistakes.

The Star
Self doubt. Disappointment and frustration. A delayed hope. Bitterness. This the card of my future, but only if I continued on the path I currently walked.

I have been floating about like a wraith in some haunted, nightmarish carnival, moving from camp to camp, a reading done here, a reading done there, oblivious to the things that surround me. They’ve quieted now, the cards, as has Mia, not moving nearly as much as she had only a couple of days ago, which in my experience is usually a sign that it won’t be long until her arrival.

My sister has taken Charm, promising to keep her through the end of the fair, so that I can rest.. and think. Charm was quite happy with the prospect, Maay promising to show her a number of plants that grow in the glade not too far away. Her daughter, Eden, is beautiful, with dark hair and big blue eyes. Perhaps it runs in the family.

I was returning from one of the camps, coppers in hand from the two readings I had done, when I was approached by a man asking if I had a scarf and if I would like to exchange for a favor. I told him I did not, which should have been obvious by the swell of my belly, and started to move on, but he grabbed my arm and turned me to face him again. I immediately burst into tears and he released me, smiled, and pointed to the cards. I felt so foolish over my emotional outburst that I read him for free. I have to get a grip. I can’t do it again, reliving what I went through two years ago when I lost my son. I refuse, as long as I have breath, to lose this child as well.

I cannot repair the past or the damage done. I made a mistake, and though he may never trust me again, which is well within his right, I will not run away. I made a promise that I intend to keep, for as long as it is humanly possible, even though circumstances have now changed, my feelings have not.

I pray it’s not too late to change my future.

Disappearance

We made it to the fair, though I find myself in no mood to celebrate.

Therise is missing, with no sign as to what might have happened to her.

I am missing too, but in a much different way. He does not forgive me. He does not want me. I am no longer allowed to take care of Julian. Dangerous and unfit, I now wear the title of both. He is allowing me to stay at the House, which might be more than I could have expected, in a house where I really no longer belong, save for the blood ties of Mia.

Charm has shown interest in meeting her aunt, who I hope has come to the fair. Once we are both settled into the inn, I’m going in search of her, someone I can talk to.

The only one I can talk to.

Imperfections and Flaws

He has moved us to the Cylinder Inn, Charm and I, Julian having been whisked off to an unnamed location.

He’s worried and perhaps a little afraid, which now I realize he has every right to be. He wants answers and as much as I would like for him to have them, I’m not sure that either I or Charm can give him exactly what he is looking for.

Charm knew things about me, my past that she could have not have collectively known, and yet, she did. She had nightmares about it and those have only recently come to pass into oblivion. I think she has seen things from his past as well, which would explain her protectiveness over Julian. She sees things she doesn’t yet understand, nor will she probably for several more years, until she has the thought process to sort and deal. Cain had told me long ago that she would be different then me, more so than I have ever been in that regard. I now see his prophecy is coming to light.

I had also considered that Charm would not, without the experiences behind her, be able to distinguish lies from truths, not when she had been taught to trust the adults around her.

He said my actions were irresponsible. I did not disagree. He was right and I had no excuse for not telling him, no matter my intent. Imperfections and flaws have always plagued me, both inside and out, and I have worried from the beginning that I would disappoint him.

I can’t blame my daughter for the things she sees, or knows, and yet, I cannot blame Lucian either for his pensiveness where she is concerned. When Charm touched his leg, I could feel him retreat, as if he was repulsed, even though his expression did not change. I don’t know, if I were him, I might feel much the same way.

He looks at us both differently now, and I don’t think it’s only because of the fact I didn’t tell him right away, the fact that he thinks I have betrayed him, but as if he is truly seeing us for the first time, as if we have caused this by what we are. Different. What worries me even more is that he might be right in his assumptions, because Charm has now admitted that the woman did not appear until I conceived.

Paper Cakes and Women in Blue

So much has happened over the course of the last few ahns, I barely know where to begin.

It had started as such a wonderful day, one that I had never thought possible. He had surprised me with gifts for Mia within the tiers of a boxed shaped like a cake. It even had her name spelled out on a small plague in front.

I never expected my emotions could fall so quickly from such heights of euphoria. But then, I never thought to have the euphoria in the first place. I should be grateful that I was able to experience it. I am grateful.

Charm and Julian had made their way down the stairs, intrigued at the box and items it contained, especially curious about the fabric cupcakes.

All was going quite well, until Charm brought up the Lady in Blue, something I had been remiss, in telling him. My explanation was immediate on the tail end of Charm’s admittance of seeing her, I mortified at the fact that I had allowed such a thing to go on for so long without bringing the subject up, but with so much going on and the fact that I do not get to see him a goodly amount of the time, I had not really given it much thought, other than the fact that Charm was seeing something that no one else could see, an invisible friend that she did not seem upset about, nor afraid of. When I questioned her she gave me a description of the woman’s appearance. Dark hair, blue eyes and always wearing a blue gown. I admit now, I should have delved deeper, but not once did I think it was a woman of flesh and blood, or one that meant to cause harm. But that said, neither did I think she was imagining the episodes. Perhaps I was too close, taking for granted things that others would be aghast at.

Charm had told me that the woman would disappear into Julian’s room and stare down at his crib. She never tried to touch him, simply watched on as he slept, so I began allowing the children to sleep with me more often. Aside from the fact that it was comforting for me, I wasn’t sure if Julian could see her and I didn’t want to ask him. I thought that I had handled it, until I could tell Lucian what was going on. I did have full intention of telling him. I just didn’t do it soon enough. It was my mistake and one I now have to live with.

He no longer trusts me; he thinks I have put his son in harm’s way. Charm is convinced the woman was here to protect Julian, from of all people, his own father, not that I believed that for a single ehn.

I feel ashamed that he now thinks Julian needs protection from me.

I shoulder the burden, the blame, but I do not know how to fix it.

Voices from the Past

I have been trying to write this entry for days, to put exactly how I feel on rence, but I have not been able to do it, until now. Each time I open my journal, I stared at the blank page for ahns, before closing it and putting it away. I thought I had come to crossroad in my life, where I realized I must make a decision as to how I would continue, but all I could do was stand in the middle and turn myself in circles, confused on which path to take. One road would lead to my surrender, and while it would fill one need, it would remove another even though I knew my own selfish desires should not be equated into the picture.

Lucian saw my confusion, my wariness to travel a road that was once familiar. This was how it came to be that he shared certain voices from the past, to try and help me understand.

I know I have a place in his life, one that is, by now, with the swell of pregnancy, well defined. I am caretaker of his, mine and our, children. I do not consider it a duty, but a privilege.

What I learned today is that I’m not the only one who has these conflicting feelings, that it’s even natural. I understand that now, more than I ever have before. I no longer feel the need to tamper, to hide away in a labyrinth of thoughts and would might have been.

All layers of freedom have a price. Finally, I have found mine.