I was not unhappy, but perhaps I should have been. He wants a child. Once, I would have wanted that too, but so many things have changed and that is simply no longer something I long for, and when the physician confirmed that I was not, I could feel August slipping further away. Once, he said, he would have never been wrong about such a thing. Its not him. It’s me. It’s always been me.Had I been with child, there would have been a paternity test. If the child had not been his, he would have ridded us of it, that he had promised and Kings help me, I don’t know if I could have complied. Yes, I was relieved that no choice need be made.
I am trying to understand what he is going through They pain he must be feeling, and even the loneliness, though I have tried to be there for him. The fact is, no once can understand. I certainly can’t, and as much as I do not want it to, I feel the wedge widening, the gulf between us expanding, and the bridge beneath us collapsing. He told me to go back to AR, that surely I could find a caravan which would accept me. No doubt, I could have, had that been the path I wanted to follow. It was not.
I am determined to follow him, to help him, to be there for him, even in those times he does not need me. Times which are becoming more frequent.
