Shape Shifter

My life is changing as quickly as my body, each day a new experience.

I’m still staying in Schendi, where I hope, if all things go well, that I will be able to stay and make a life for Castalia and myself. Perhaps I can obtain a small house on the beach, some where peaceful and serene, where my daughter will be raised with all the love I can offer. But I have to admit, I am afraid.

At times I feel I can hear her talking to me, especially when I find myself emotionally distraught. She will be a wise child and I will begin to weave around her the tale of her birthright from an early age. Daughters. We are all cursed to bear only daughters, for the female line must continue.

I’ve shortened my walks in the evening, finding I lose my breath easier now than I did only a hand ago. My stomach is hardening and I am more restless than usual, even though I find I sleep an exceeding amount. Not even the cards can call me from my slumber, though I have been having the strangest dreams. Aiden haunts me, as well as his father, two faces so familiar, and yet, not.

Color Makes the World Go Round

I have received a wonder full gift from the Lady Akasha, a set of coloring sticks to repair the hues on some of my cards. This was what I was doing when the knock came upon my door.

I was seeing the color of rose.

I know all too well that a woman is never safe and no matter what her justifications might be, there is no other will to follow other than a mans. I would realize this more today then at any other time in my life.

He stood there, dirty, ragged and coated with a pungent odor not at all to my liking. He immediately pushed open the door and stepped into my world as if he had a right. Perhaps he did, that line having long been blurred.

He said not a word to me, stripping and immediately making himself comfortable in my bath. Only then did he call to me.

I stepped into the bathroom, leaning on the sink, Castalia kicking, my child sensing something wasn’t quite right. "How did you find me? What's more, is why?"

"Doesn't matter ...I just needed to."

Pains ripped through my stomach, hard enough to knock the air from my lungs.

I was seeing the color of white hot flashing stars.

"Why Schendi.."

"Because it was as far away from Ar as I dared to travel."

His back was littered with whipping scars and I knew there was more to his coming here than he was telling me. "Would it be horrid if I stayed with you? Just for a while."

"No, I suppose not. I'm not certain I'm going back to Ar. How long will you be staying?"

"As long as I need to."

"There are some things you should know. Being in my.. condition, if asked, I'll be telling people my companion died and I set off to start myself a new life." I did not see this as a lie, for in many ways, Castro had died for me and I so wanted to start fresh again. No only for me, but my daughter. My having not been companioned to her father might have forever attached a stigma to her that I didn’t want. This would be a new beginning for us both. “No one can know who the father is.”

"There are something’s I shall being telling people... That I am your child's father and your companion. And you're correct no one should know my sister's father.. not even her. It isn't safe for you to travel even under the guise of a widow. You aren't safe.. I will stay and help you for as long as I am welcome. You know .. We are not far from Amarna?"

"Really? You know you are welcomed for as long as you like, but what am I to do when you leave? No, I think it might be best I stick to the widow story. I don't want to have to explain your sudden departure when you get the urge to move on. What about your friend Heavyn? Does she know where you are?" Heavyn and Castor.

I was seeing the color of green.

"I do not wish to speak of her, but I left her. I am plagued now...Astraea. With nightmares the likes of which I have never had before. I am compelled down a path... and she could not understand that. Normals never do. She is with Kain, who she parades around with as a lover."

I could well understand that myself. Normals, what an odd word, but how well it seemed to fit.. everyone but us. I swallowed back the lump in my throat at the mention of Kain’s name.

"Forgive me. You have a choice to make ...you can tell people I am your companion.. a merchant who travels a bit. To care for you and the babe or I will return you to him as a run away slave. My sister will be taken from you... but you both will be safer. Please Astraea don't make me do that."

"You would.. do that to me.. and your sister? Return us to a man that would surely be the death of us both? Safer? You think that I am.. safer with a man like him? You're a fool Aiden, if you truly believe that." But he had left me no choice. "Fine. You can play the part of my companion, as well as your sister's father." My daughter’s heritage was turning into a twisted family tree.

It was true, I had submitted to his father, but he had removed the band from my neck. I had seen him only a few times after that. He had freed me, or had he? I am no longer quite sure.

"Thank you. I needn't share your couch we are just companions in guise. It's not proper."

I was seeing the color of red.

Another pain shot across my stomach, drawing another wince. "She's certainly active when you're around, that's for sure. And why can’t we just tell people you’re my bother?”

He frowned and moved behind me, placing his hands on my hips turned me to the mirror, he looking over my shoulder at our reflection. "Your hair is red.. Mine is black. Your eyes are green mine are blue.. My face is angular.. Yours is soft. Do we bare any similarity? And when the girl is born she will look like you and Kain.. What is the most likely thing to believe? Not too mention we have been ... intimate. I am sure that it will show in the way I touch you. How protective I will be . That ruse will be ridiculous."

I hated it when he was right. Such an annoying trait. "We could have had different mothers."

The pains were coming faster and lasting longer and when it got too bad, he laid his hand on my stomach, the pain receding. It wasn’t the pain of labor. It was something else.

"Aiden, why did you come. Really I mean. Why are you here? I've not seen you in months."

"I had not anticipated seeing you again. I wanted very much for you be happy. I tried to make you happy, but I wasn't enough. I had a vision Astraea.. of things to come. Of Castilia.. of Mother.. of you and Kain. I had a vision and I did not like what I saw. "

"What is it you did see? Tell me and hold nothing back, I'll know if you do."

"You needn't concern yourself with those things, only the health of your child. That is why I am here."

"Mother.. She knows ..and is trying to hurt my sister."

Terror swept through me, the mere thought of someone, anyone trying to hurt my child the most horrific thing that could happen. But his mother? Why? It was she that told me all those months ago that I would bare Kain a child, a sibling to Aiden. Her prophecy had come true, but what had she not told me?

"ALL OF THEM."

"Us, they want.. us." But for what I had no idea.

"I am glad you're here, despite the fact I'm not so fond of your trickery."

I was seeing the color of black.

Aiden rested while I investigated the fair. I had thought to eat downstairs, alone, before realizing that he too could benefit from a good meal. I had noticed he was far too thin.

" Where were you all day?"

"I had breakfast. I walked to each of the events, though I didn't join any, I didn't think it would be safe."

"Would you like to partake in any of the festivities? I am sure we could find something for you to do. Maybe the 400 meter waddle?"

Ah, if only there was such an event.

"Perhaps we could, will you be referee?" I paused, smile had, before it turned a little sour. "I asked about staying in Schendi today, seems I need to talk to the Administrator. Which reminds me, I told someone I was.. I mean, that my companion was in the City of Dust. You can, of course, make a recovery from that, but I just wanted you to be.. sure that this is what you

want."

"Mm" He grabbed my arm and pulled me back into the room, closing the door, then pinned me against it. Supper would have to wait. "What is it you want Astraea? I am tired of your passive aggressive dancing. Your constant tests? If you want me to stay I will stay.. if I did not want to be here I would not have come."

I was seeing the color of confusion, one laced with sharp jagged glass.

What do I want? It should be such an easy question to answer. So why can’t I? "I want you to stay. But I don't want you to stay on.. principal. I don't want to come to want you here, just so you can leave me later. It's you who have to make the decision Aiden. I don't want a part time companion, not even in a companionship that is .. faked. Can't you understand that? You can't keep drifting in and out of my life.” And there it was. I wanted a fragment of stability, something I have never had.

"Don't bark orders at me like a shrew.. it makes this little vein between your brows puff up and it's quite ugly. I can understand that.. but I don't want a companion.. Even a faked

one that likes fucking my father more than she does me. I can do as I please Astraea and you will always accept me. You know it. You're looking for a commitment out of me.. just like you looked for one out of my father. You know there is another Valerian .. Though he's got a companion. I suppose you won't get commitment out of him either."

"You're a cold prick Aiden. You and your father have much in common."

"You're a cold prick Aiden. You and your father have much in common. I'm hungry and I want to go downstairs to eat. Are you coming, or do you wish to keep me here, pinned to the wall? We can talk about this.. after I've got a full stomach."

"Only because I would not bend to your whim.. and if that is all that makes me like my father than so be it. I will wear my father's name with pride. I would love to keep you here pinned to the wall so I can listen to you bitch at me some more, but I suppose you might be less likely to be ridiculous with your mouth stuffed to capacity, Buttercup."

He took my arm and led me downstairs. "And what do you think you're in the mood for Astraea?"

"Would I really get that if I told you?" The buffet offered many things, but peace of mind was not one of them.

"Undoubtedly have I ever denied you the simple pleasures of life?" His hand pressed to my belly and I could feel Castalia kick. "Sit. I am sure your ankles hurt. Mine would had I all that wait to carry. Is there anything else you saw that you didn't grab? I will get it for you."

My plate was piled high with the assortment of foods, but my appetite was waning. "You're a tarsk. I'll take a glass of juice. I wouldn't want to .. offend you with my awkward gait."

"No.. but if You keep talking to me that way I'll have you grunting like one. You don't offend me. I like the gigantic sway of your bovine hips, but others are here to eat. I think a slave brought down tarts, shall I bring you one?"

"Yes, tarts, I'll have three." I might as well make the most of it. "Are they ramberry? I only like ramberry."

I waved Akasha over to join us, as much in politeness as a potential referee. “Akasha.. this is Aiden. my.. um.. my.." It was obvious I was struggling.

"I am Astraea's brother.."

I was relieved he hadn’t introduced me as his companion. I’m not sure why, but it was a game I just didn’t want to play. The fewer lies, the better. They tend to meld in my head.

I explained who the Lady Akasha was and the gift she had given me. Aiden made his retreat back to my room, while I remained and ate.

Small talk ensued, she having given away all but one of her scarves.

I hadn’t noted the man sitting near us, one who was listening to our conversation. Akasha had mentioned she would never companion again and he asked to whom she’d been companioned, a name he’d never heard. Then he turned to me, interrogation begun. He asked where my companion was, to which I replied, that he was in the City of Dust, to which he asked his name. I counted with a name, Kain Versus. Close, but not so close he would ever be found. Which I’m quite positive he would have wanted.

“Kane Versus? Never heard of the name. Perhaps I should do some research on the name. Make sure and all. A gorean man if not in the city of dust would love to know he has an heir.” Why he would even care was beyond me.

"Or perhaps you should let a dead man remain dead ..and leave my sister to mourn in peace.." Aiden had returned in the nick of time, but that atmosphere had changed. "I think it's time we head out for the even Astraea. It's getting thick in here."

“Ah... I see. Perhaps you being that far along lady should be kept more hidden till after the birth... a single woman.. with child...is warranting of many unliked outcomes. Be well.” The undercurrent of his tone was clearly recognized.

"Yes, exercise. Please do excuse me Akasha."

“Run lady...wouldn’t want me to find you after the fair.”

Running, it’s what I’ve done my entire life.

I was seeing the color of yellow.

Though I was still rattled, I felt immediately better the ehn I stepped from the inn, but Aiden was livid. "If that tarsk fucker comes near you I'll cut him from ear to ear. I don’t care if you don't want me to tell people I am your companion, that is what will be said.. do you hear me."

"We can't say that now, the lie has already been cast. It will put both of us in a bad light. I suppose I'll need to find another City now."

"Then lets leave. The whole point of this was that you be safe. You're so fucking stubborn." His anger was wrapping tightly around me and just like that, it was gone.

"You don't need me . I am going to Amarna."

"So you are leaving me. Maybe it's for the best then. Maybe you'll find.. peace there."

"What good am I doing here! You do not take in consideration anything I say.. I am just some man trying to what.. !!! WHAT!!!!! I wanted you I wanted to make you happy.. but you chose him over me. I try to protect you and you can't even stomach saying I am your companion. And then when I tell you I am leaving you blame me for that too. I am sick of your blame.. your feelings.. your wants.. So yes I am leaving."

"Leave Aiden, go on, it's what you're best at. Every time something doesn't go you're way, you run. You ran from Heavyn, and now you're running from me. You're right, you should have never come. I don't need someone drifting in and out of my child's.. or my life. Blame? I don't blame anyone for anything. I put myself in this position and I well know that. But can't you see? I'm trying to make a better life for me and your sister. I just want to forget the past and start fresh. Is that so wrong? "

He grabbed me by the back of my neck, his anger transforming to rage. "You see, that's where you're wrong. You belong to my father, therefore you belong to me as well." He started to rip at my clothing, his hold unrelenting.

I was seeing the color of purple.

I fought against him the best I could, fearing for not only my child, but me. My fists pounded against his chest, but they had minimal effect. He even gagged me with a strip of torn fabric, then pulled me back into the inn and my room.

"You forget, freedom is based solely upon the will of men. So when you shoot your foolish mouth off you do nothing but threaten your own safety. And when father finds out you stole his child...you might as well kill yourself."

I was angry, more so than I'd ever been before. And combined with that was fear, true fear to the likes I'd never known, not even with his father. He tied me to my sleeping couch, then pulled up a chair beside me, staring at me. He removed the gag, and I tried to talk to him. I tried with all my heart to get him to see things from my vantage point. But he could not. Eventually he laid down beside me, falling asleep. At least I thought he was asleep, and having worked the loose knots from my wrists, I fled the room. Of course, had I been thinking with a clear mind, I would have realized that Aiden was far too experienced a man to make the mistake of loose knots. When I had calmed down, I had returned, only to find him gone.

And then it hit me.

I would never again see the color of white.

The Fabric of Roots

I have at last reached Schendi for the fair, but I wonder if I should have waited so long to come. My daughter will be making her arrival in less than a moon, if she appears on schedule. But then again, babies never give one enough time to plan.

I left no note of where I was going, or where I could be found. I’ve not seen Castor since our daughter was conceived. I often wonder if I had the choice, would I change that night. I always expel the same answer. I would not.

A daughter. I have no doubt that my child shall be a girl, and yet, I can not convince myself to start thinking of names. I am alone, but I am by no means lonely. Nor am I distraught over the fact that I shall be raising my child alone. I realize it is for the best, and that Castor can not be recognized as her father. I shall start immediately concocting a story of her heritage. Though I shall be as truthful as possible, I will have no choice but to insert certain amounts of fantasy into my history. I know, to keep her safe, as well as myself, I will have to misguide the truth.

Administrative Reading

I was out for a walk today, coming upon the Deputy Administrator and Rowan, who I had met before. I read for them both, earning my daily needed intake of coin. Rowan’s reading was rather optimistic, though Niros’s was not. What one can tell about a person, simply through a turning of cards.

A Moment of Weakness

I almost did the unthinkable today. I almost sought him out, revealing the fact that I carry his child. I did not, but the fact that I even wanted to was a sign of how weak I have become.

It is apparent now that I am indeed with child, thus shown by my sluggish movements and over tiredness. I need to start planning for the future, which I now realize can not be done in Ar. I have decided that I will soon travel, despite the fact of my ever growing predicament. I would like a small house of my own, away from the crowds that seem ever constant in Ar. Somewhere safe to raise my child, if there is indeed such a place in existence.

If it’s out there, I shall find it.

Aiden's Assurance

I had been cleaning the upper apartment when he found me, or rather, I found him.

He sat there against the wall, his head in his hands, much like a child that had no one else to turn to. No one but me.

Heavyn has kicked him out. They seem to have a communication gap that cannot be bridged. Aiden thinks he wants one thing, while she wants another. She wants him to companion her, but she does not desire children.

I poured him a glass of wine, as well as one for myself, though I knew I wouldn’t be drinking much. I tried to soothe him was hopeful words, unfortunately I’ve never really been very good at that. Perhaps in time, I told him.

I’m not even sure if it was Heavyn Lee who was the catalyst in his mood. He wanted to know about his father. He wanted to ask me questions about Castor, a name that has always been a subject we have tried to avoid in the past. Did I really love his father? I had to tell him the truth. I did. I loved him with everything that I was.

Maybe it is that he constantly compares himself to his father and feels he comes up short. I know that Castor will never companion me. Not even now with the child I carry. I’m not even sure I’m going to tell him, for such information would only give him more things to worry about. Of course, if I stay in Ar it would be quite obvious. So what do I do? I shall have to make up my mind soon. I told Aiden I would never leave Castor, but for the sake of my unborn child, is that a wise choice?

He is still so young, my sweet Aiden, so unassured and so hard on himself. I find I want to protect him from the woes of the world, I want to spare him pain and I wish to see him thrive. But these are things that are not within my realm of control. They never have been. Perhaps if I penned a note to his mother.

He wants to companion his Heavyn Lee, I can see it in his eyes. He loves her, I have little doubt of that. He doesn’t understand her, but of course, neither does he understand me. I’m not sure any man understands any woman.

I suggested that he talk to her again, and even as we spoke of the woman he loved, he kissed me.

Father or son, I can deny neither.

Visitant Visions

I watched as he dressed me, carried me outside and set me atop the tharlarion. I could see the grief on his face. I knew then how true it was, that he did love me, even though I knew he would never be faithful to me. It was a price I was willing to pay. He took me back to the inn, never realizing how hard I was warring against the current of an endlessly dark sea. I could feel the pulling of my body, the fight for survival, then suddenly the boundlessness of a beautiful horizon. One that slowly waned into blood.

“A storm of wings will fall upon the city, a swarm so dark it will block out the light of lar torvis. The streets will fill with seekers and children will cry in their mother’s arms. The great man locks himself within walls of stone, a fortified city in its own right, and from there he shall rule.”

Lashes fluttered and quiet whispers filled the room, I grabbing his hand with an unusual strength.

“He tricked you. Even now he plots, for you have gone against him too many times. You are a man who is quickly running out of options. But you should know that others are plotting against him, for his friends.. those that he can trust, become fewer with each passing day. And you should also know that there is another man that waits in the wings of his defeat, to take over where he leaves off. It does not stop, and the next man to sit on his debauched throne will be.. worse. It is not your Phelps that is the darkness. It is his new blood, one he has been training in secret, where there are no eyes to disapprove."

“You speak of these things as facts.. I will not allow them.. I love you. We will be happy together. I want to think of nothing but you Astraea..."

The birthmark on the inner recess of my wrist was burning, as if someone had laid a brand to flesh. Only now did the full force of it hit me, as well as its odd shape. The number seven.

And the voices were back.

I took him like a starved lover, hungry for the warmth of flesh, wanting to devour the man whose very heart and soul I had seen into. "I will always love you."

Words that were riddled with familiar farewells, even though saying goodbye was the last thing I wanted. I could feel the end. It was nearing. My end, but how or why or when, I did not know. I kissed him as if it would be our last and I clung to him like a woman that would melt away with the early coming of dawn. But I would not. With Kane it was truth, all pouring into an empty soul and he would be the only man that could ever fill me as such. "I love you so much." The rhythm of sexual faith continued and quickened, I breaking the kiss to arch backwards, the curve of my back crescenting like a Taharian's scimitar, the rain falling and pelting across my body like a hundred small stinging bees. We made love in the midst of a storm, the balcony doors left open. I convulsed against him, wrapped in his embrace, as he was my own. While worlds raged around us, we were safe in our own little haven. At least safe for now. Kisses collided over his face, his cheek, his chin and down his neck. And when we were both spent in our passions, I collapsed against him, warm with the knowledge that he would, when the time came, make the right choice.

I would soon bear the bastard of Kane.

Flesh and Fire

I was healing. Odd that I would think such, but I was happy, for once simply allowing myself the enjoyment of Aiden's company, along with this father. Trapped between two men, two so different, and yet, so alike. It had been a quite awhile since I'd seen Castor, so I decided to go to his room. I didn’t knock, but allowed myself entrance, hoping to surprise him.

"Kane?" I no longer called him Castor, for that name was but a layer to the man who wore it. I found him resting on his couch, apparently napping. "Are you .. " No, not dead.. ".. Awake?"

He turned when I touched him, blinking, then looking at me. "I thought you were going to say dead." He smiled at me. His smiles always touch me, I suppose because he doesn’t do it often. "Hmm, so you finally got lonely enough to come find me?"

"Dead. Well, I did think it, but we both know you're not ready to die. No more than I am." I shifted him over, taking a seat next to him, as much couch as he would allow. "I'm not lonely. I just wanted to see how you were doing. It's been quite some time since I saw you last. You've not called me, which leads me to believe I've been replaced in your life. Something I always knew would happen. Or have you merely been.. busy? Taking care of the pikes of Ar? Or maybe Helix has had your attention. Have you not missed me, lover?" I had missed him greatly. But then, I always do.

“Replaced... hardly, I was giving you time to acclimate, as well as spend time with Aiden and his mother. But I'd be lying if I didn't mention the pikes of AR have seen slower days.. Helix? Oh yeah.. " He laughed and leaned up to look at me. "You're not fucking that boy are you?" I never know if he’s joking or not. He pulled me down and ran his fingers through my hair. "Come closer and I will show you how much."

"No, I'm not fucking Helix. I've not even seen him of late." I shrugged and leaned down to kiss him. "But I'll bet you would like to watch if I did. I'm quite acclimated to my new world, though I will disappoint you in saying I've not yet decided on exactly what I want to do. I didn't realize you knew that Aiden’s mother was here. Has she contacted you?"

"Of course I do, very little in AR happens without my knowledge. I’ve been given some leave from duties. A boy is bringing my 10% solution and a case of cosian wine. You will stay with me and we will have a party what do you say?"

"Of course I will stay, you have only but to ask, you know that." I moved to straddle him, the palm of my hand on his chest. "I have missed you my Kane, missed you so much. Have you missed me as well? So maybe we should play a game, something sinful? Hmm. Let me think, what are you in the mood for tonight. A red headed temptress with a temper to match? Or perhaps I should find me a wig and play the part of a blonde bombshell, or maybe a dark haired woman that has all the answers. Or maybe tonight, I will be the evil one. Give you a respite from your days' work."

Someone knocked at the door and our revelry was put on hold, the box he had ordered earlier delivered.

Wine was poured, his special solution readied by way of injection. I asked him what it was. "You're going to inject in into yourself?"

"I was planning to injecting it into you. It's a 10% solution.. iociane, kanda, and wingfish poisons. It's very powerful shit." He stabbed the needle into his arm and released the drug into his system. His look was euphoric.

"What does it do to you?"

"I can not explain it other than.. it is what being alive ...true alive feels like. I can give you a small taste if you'd like it?"

I gave him consent by way of my arm thrust in his direction. Briefly, I wondered if it would.. kill me. It wasn't that I wanted to die, but that I wanted to feel as if I were on the edge. I have to admit I have never before felt anything like that.

"Oh Kings I need you so much Astraea." When I touched him I could see a blond woman pinned to wall, though I couldn’t quite make out her face. "Who is she?"

“Is it coming back slowly?" He held me as if I were a child. "I did something foolish Astraea. I just.. can't." He closed his eyes, the drug coursing through his veins. Through my veins. "Astraea... I have told you a great many things about myself. I have confided in you when I could not anyone else. I have killed people for knowing much less. I am so tired of this game Astraea. I am leaving Ar for good."

If he thought he was leaving without me, he had another thing coming. "Take me with you. Where ever you want to go, I would go with you. We need not stay in Ar, I don't care about that. But I can't be without you. Not today, or tomorrow, or ever."

"You will see what I did sooner or later. You will know. I was directed to separate you and Aiden. I did a great deal of the things I to you when we first met because I wanted him to stay way from you. But the band.. when you submitted.. When I... I fell in love with you Astraea. I can not be in love. Castor Minos Can not ...be in love.."

"I know. I've know all along that you were trying to separate Aiden and me. I knew it and I ignored it. Don't get me wrong, I love Aiden. He's a good person, and I would do most anything for him, but I don't love him as I love you. I don't care that you are Castor, creator of evils, perpetrator of crimes committed against those of.. whatever. I don't care, do you hear me? I want to be with you and I will do whatever I have to to make that happen. I submitted because I love you. Castor Minos does not have to love me.. But the man Kane, if he wishes it, can."

"Get dressed we are going to my house." Our gait was slow, simply enjoying the chance to be with each other without any outside interference. "Do you remember the first time I had you? Do you remember every time I'd had you? I thought at first I could get my jollies off on you while using you for you gift. That was why I did it. Do you remember that night I took you on the floor in bathroom? It made me realize how much I wanted to be with you. I needed to be close to you. I paced my room for ahn talking myself out coming to you."

"I hated you that first day I met you. I knew you were up to no good. I knew that you were going to use me for every thing you could, but as time passed, I found I didn't care. I fell in love with you, not by choice, but by chance. I am yours, no matter how you look at it."

"I want you.. flesh and fire." We bathed and talked and drank as the night wore on.

"Tell me Astraea, have you missed me?" He knew I had, but somehow I felt he needed to hear it. Even as he was injecting me again. "I did not realize it until tonight just how much I missed you, but I did miss you."

"Yes, I missed you. I always missed you, the one true man that makes me weep with pleasures wrought." It didn’t even cross my mind that it was a dangerous thing I played with. I was intoxicated, not only by the drug, but by the man himself.

"Where should we go? Bazi? Schendi? Thentis? Maybe Treve? If we travel can I put a collar on you and have you naked and at my feet?"

"Anywhere you like, I care not where we go, so long as you take me with you, be that by way of free woman, or slave. Either way, I will always be naked at your feet. Even now, though invisible, I wear your collar. And I always will."

"I love you Astraea."

I knew it to be true. I could see it when I touched him. In fact, I could see many things. It was as if a whole new world had opened up to me. My eyes revealed not the muddied color of lost sight, but a brilliant green, one that was almost fluorescent in hue. "I love you Kane, I love you." I'd given myself over to him long ago, obeyed his commands with little heed for myself, and kept his secrets, a price reaping greater than anything I’d ever allowed before. I felt a closeness with him, one I'd never felt before. One not only of hearts, but of souls.

I saw it all. The various misdeeds, rapes, murders, tortures, double dealings, things that were part of Castor. I saw Phelps and Kane’s hatred of the man he worked for and how Castor had hid that man's secrets. A holy man who raped and murderer for profit. How it had never sat well with him. He had grown stoic to protect the last piece of his heart from the monster he had become. It mind became a hallway of doors and I dared to open as many as I could, the succession of flashed images pulsing past my eyes, the gruesome as well as the benign. "Kane." My hand glided down over his side, my finger tracing the scar of 'loyalty', trying to glean the truth from it as well. "So much pain." I saw him as a very young man perhaps a few years old than Aiden now. He was speaking to someone a few years older then he, of the resistance about Castor Minos and the unique opportunity that Kane must take. He was carving an L into his chest, but it was Trevion who had finished the task, so that he would always remember, so he would never forget who he was.

I saw him sitting with a small group of children. He had been a scribe, a teacher when he lived in Amarna. I saw him on that warm spring day on the coastal land.. A red head woman beautiful and innocent staring at him from behind the corner of a building. When the lesson was over he would went to her. Lovers.. Aiden’s mother, she too so different. He was happy then. I watched the voyeaurous creation of their son, Aiden. So much to take in, so little time to decipher it all. I watched the scrapbook of visions parade past, trying to consume every bit of information.

Lovers, brothers, children and more, each holding their own private place in the catacombs of his mind. My finger moved from the word, upwards over the numbers that somehow had always seemed a symmetrical obsession with him. I wasn't even shocked by the fact that I was seeing into a man with a vision that had eluded me, one that I thought had been stolen by his son. The kisses that collapsed over flesh began to make me dizzy, my head turning to the side in order to stabilize the .. vision sea sickness. But still, I didn't want it to stop. I was seeing into a man who had never given his secrets up easily. The rhythm of bodies was kept, motion for motion. "More. More..." The greed of wanting to see into his past, to the truth was consuming me, but I knew I could not stop.

"Astraea..." I was already a part of him and had been since our very first encounter. I'd just not realized it then. Had he? I heard my name whispered, even as the first number was touched. Six, for the six high members of the brother's of light the men who had stolen children, killed, lied, destroyed cities. I felt an unnatural rage, one that was almost inhuman. Five, an ancient library in his mind's eye. I could hear his voice in my head reading the written word of a Scholar of the ancient city of Amarna. I felt a tear. The journal entry bespoke of a city made of glass that stood in the place where AR did now. A war or perhaps an attack, and the city was no more. Four, children sitting in a courtyard, suddenly seized by two men. I saw him, his head in his hands. The children were being taken upstairs to be raped by Phelps. When Phelps had finished, Castor was sent to kill the children to prove his loyalty. The children already close to death. He killed them quickly, small necks broken to end their pain. I watched as he sat on the floor that night weeping. Three was again the brother, a blond woman and another young man named Lir, now dead. Castor had killed him. Two. Aiden and his mother interlaced with a deep feeling of loss. One. This was the most frightening of all. It was Castor himself, how he saw himself. A fearsome monster, disgusting and violent.

Sensory overload was beginning to take its toll, on both body and mind. Rage, sorrow, pain, possession, all enormously equipped for the final emotional revolution. I cried out, the tears that fell from no where fusing with the outward seeping of my own. The plunder of my body commingled with small lost souls, the screaming overridden by first terror, then such a telling hatred I thought I would suffocate. The aura of despair was thick, like a ghostly fog I couldn't seem to pull myself out of, one that coiled and tethered me in wisps of regret. The aberration of abandonment. The hand that had caressed each of the numbers so carefully was pulled back as the last vision faded, the tips of my fingers feeling as if they had been burned. And indeed they had, the metaphysical of one universe coagulating with the impossibilities of another. I had not moved, at least not at first when he had pulled away from me, still reeling from all the honesties I had wrenched from him. My breathing was erratic, as was his, and my flesh had paled to an almost translucent hue, skin that caught the low light with fleeting iridescent glimmers of quicksilver, pinks and turquoises never seen before, the solution working its way through me in its oddly effecting way. When air once again was able to fill my lungs, I rose, though the stand was unsteady. "Kane." One hand reached out to him, fingers wavering slightly as if I was already touching him, the slight spectral glow pulsing just beneath my flesh. Lashes fluttered, intermittently revealing the strange color of eyes beneath, before I folded and fell to the floor near his feet. I had done something I'd never done before, I had fainted, and by the expression on my face, I was still trapped in his world of torment, all hope forsaken. His hell my prison.

No movement save the butterfly effect of dark lashes and the rapid eye movement that one always associated with dreams. I seemed to be cursed with a knowledge I couldn't depart, though slowly, the paleness waned and color began to fill my cheeks. I could see him, from above, a man distraught at what he had done, his head resting on my stomach, though I couldn't quite feel the touch. I was calling out to him, trying to reach him, trying to gain his attention by ways of another path, my body lost in the recesses of some odd coma like eclipse. I could hear him, I could feel his inner turmoil, but I could not break through the barrier that yet separated us. It was as if I were on the wrong side of a mirrored glass, where I could see in, but he couldn't see out. My fists pounded against the translucent wall, though my body made no such moves. I was trapped in time. His time.

A Secret Key

We met, as planned, at the store that I have since purchased. True to his word, he brought both fur and lantern, as well as food. And I gave him a key to our secret place.

But we did not stay. Aiden it seemed had other plans and soon we found ourselves in a House with a bad reputation.

He’s changed. But then, so have I. Neither one of us are the innocent we once were. Sad, but I suppose it happens to us all sooner or later. We had talked of his visions, his mother, his woman. I now realize what his mother said was true, we need each other.

He did not want me to be alone anymore.

I wonder how long I’ll have him before he’s taken away from me again.

We’ll meet again, soon. I can feel it.

Meeting of the Mother

The woman I knew as Aiden’s mother was waiting for me in my room.. reading my journal.

"Find everything you need?" I was sure which irked me more, the fact that she was reading my most private thoughts, or that she was so comfortably lounging on my sleeping couch. "Why

are you in my room?"

"Not really though I suppose it's all ripe for the plucking."

She closed it, but made no attempt to give it back."I thought that would be very obvious. I came to speak with you Mekaré." She set the journal in her lap and motioned for me to take a seat.

My obedience wasn't immediate, but still, this was Aiden's mother, and even though he hated her, she did owe the woman a certain amount of respect. "You must be here for a reason. Or do you just make it a habit of going from room to room and reading other’s personal writings?"

"You can cut the snotty short tone. I am unimpressed, especially when given by a woman who thinks I need this sad piece of tat to tweeze out her inner most secrets." She tossed my journal to the floor. "Scurry for it.. like you do every thing else in your life Mekaré." She did, to her credit, get up and retrieve the book, putting it back where she had gotten it from.

"I don't.. scurry." Did I? "Aiden is gone, as you may well know. Are you going to see him?"

"Mmhmm. Do always you argue over the petty parts of every conversation you have?" She was a beautiful woman, I’d give her that. "I am here to speak to you, about you. I saw last night what happened to you. With Aiden, with Castor.. what is it you think you will do now?"

The wonder all question. I’d been asking myself that very thing, though I was no closer to the answer. "I don't know. It's all I've thought about. Castor says I need to pick something and apply myself, but .. this .." Turn was made, eyes landing on what were now the quiet cards that sat ever patiently on her dresser. "..those.. is all I've ever known. I suppose now they'll have to wait for my daughter, if I ever have one. They'll be her legacy."

"Your mother? Did you know her well? For once Kane and I are in agreement. You do need to apply yourself to something other than your gifts, Mekaré there are times in our lives when they do not always do us the services that we need them to do."

"Yes. I knew her well. She was.. is a quiet woman. What? I have no idea what to apply myself to. I've never studied a caste, I would be starting over.. completely. And why do you keep calling me that?"

"Tell me about her? Take small steps, Mekaré. Learn first how to live without the guidance of the voices. You rely on them heavily I can tell in the way you speak.. you are still searching for them, yes?" She frowned and shook her head looking at me puzzled. "You have never heard that name before?" She sighed ever so softly. "That is your true name child.. the name spoken by the spirits before you were born.. when the world was new. We are all given names.. that is yours."

"It's a pretty name. I've never heard it before. She was a loving mother and companion to my father. She lost the gift when she was won by a Turian in the love wars. She became his slave, then he died, leaving her to a scribe, who freed her, my father. He companioned her and I was born the first of six, all girls. We always have girls, it's a part of the curse. Yes, I search for the voices, but they no longer come out to play. They're gone, just as they always do when a woman is not pure enough to receive them." My gaze cut to the cards again, betrayers of faith.

"If you could have the gift back, you'd take it wouldn't you, Mekaré? What if I told you that your mother did not tell you the truth, but she did not necessarily lie to you either? What if I told you that Aiden was drawn to you for a reason.. What if I told you why Aiden did what he did to you? What if I asked you to trust me? Could you do that?"

"I would take it, yes." I was in agony, not a pain from limb, or any tangible part of my body, but one that came from inside, one that emanated from my very soul. "Trust you. I think first you would have to tell me what it is you know. All of it. Tell me all of it."

"You don't get to know these things. You have not proven yourself Mekaré. You have lost your gift not because you have lost your purity but because you were foolish enough to covet it. We all do, we are taught the arcane and forget that others are not blessed like us. It is stolen from us from time to time to give us the chance to be normal. Do you love my son? Like I loved his father? Yes, it is over between you I know.. but do you love him?"

I nodded, the sadness in my eyes palpable. "Yes, but he hates me now. And he has every right to hate me. I lied to him. I betrayed him. I traded him for his father. Tell me, what does he have to do with all.. this." There was a touch of cracking in my voice, but eyes never strayed from the woman. Eyes that were no longer the island green they once were, but were melded with the darker hue of a muddied brown.

"You and Aiden, are related.. distantly of course.. all of our kind are. We come from one blood line that passes this gift from mother to child. Do you remember when you first laid eyes upon Aiden? Were you drawn to him? That was the source.. inside of both of you drawing you to each other. Finding safety for each other in each other."

"And he .. took it from me. It wasn't something I offered. Not my virginity. He was.. he wanted me to tell him I loved him, even though he loves another as well."

"You need to pull yourself together you are too erratic, one moment you are upset the next you are confused. You can blame him if you want to but this is your fault. You have no one to blame but yourself. These things happen to all of us, and until you take responsibility and focus yourself you are doomed. I can help you if you let me.. but I will not push you. Good night Mekaré. I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for"

"My fault. Though I would take some of the blame, I don't think I can very well swallow it all. Help me? How can you help me? What is it you can do?" It was there, a flicker of interest, seen by the reflection of light in of eyes.

She paused and turned and looked at me. "You can say what you like, but you chose this the moment you sat down at the table with Kane that night. The moment you chose Kane's lies over Aiden's truths. Kane is an easy man to love. He is charming and brilliant when he needs to be. But the decision was yours and yours alone. You kept it from Aiden. You kept it from him. So by doing so, surely you must have expected that when this all came to a head it would not have been peaceful. Especially when you continued not to tell him. When you continued to lie. He is a man Mekaré, they say we are ruled by our emotions. So too are they." She went quiet for a moment. "Has it not seemed strange to you that I know these things as though I was there? Surely you are not so foolish to think I could have read that little bit of taft and gleen all of that?"

"Ah, yes, the night he threatened Aiden's life. I made the choice I had to, the best choice at the time for Aiden's safety." I remembered that, and remembered it well. "So what do I do? You said you would help me, Then, if you truly can, I'm asking for your help. I want my gift.. back. Just tell me what it is I need to do and I'll do it. Tell me where I go from here." I paused, then shook my head, defeated again." I did what I had to do, what I thought I had to do to protect Aiden. I truly thought that Castor would kill him if I did not comply. Even after I came to love him, Castor, he threatened his own son's life. Mine as well." Silence again. "If it meant saving Aiden's life, I would do it again." Arms crossed just beneath my breasts, as if I was hugging myself. "The thought did cross my mind. How do you know these things? At first I thought you might be seeing it from Aiden's eyes, but he wasn't always present."

"But there in lies the problem Mekaré, you raped him surely as he did you. You took from his right to say no. You forced him to take what his father gave." She took my hands in hers. "I know Mekaré, but you can not blame Aiden for his wrath.. Anymore than he can blame you for lying."

She removed her gloves and then leaned in to kiss me. My eyes closed, as if I was trapped in the after image of a dream. Lips met in the soft sensation of a kiss, then the pulling, the tugging that seemed to pull a part of me outward, beyond the mortal shell. For a moment I thought my knees would buckle, my breath caught, though it wasn’t stolen, my body seemed magnetized. The feeling ebbed to a thin cord, then was completely gone, the kiss broken. At first I could say nothing, wondering if that was what other's experienced when touched by me, but soon my voice was found, even if it was reclaimed within the walls of a hushed whisper. "I tried to open myself up to him, but I could not. Something inside me wouldn’t allow it. Perhaps he did free me, but not in the way he had hoped."

"Things seldom work they way we hope. Do you think I had wished to find Kane with my sister, to lose him, to lose my son? The curse is in your mind.. the blockage of your gift.. It’s in your head."

"Then you know too, that Kane did not realize who the sister was. He thought it was you. So why did you still leave him? And I think Aiden has more to do with this then you are letting on. What is it you haven't told me?" Even as the question was asked, I was wondering if the woman's words were true. Could the gift still be there? Hiding, lurking in the deepest dark of my mind?

"Kane needed me too.. This was not a new development.. you, Aiden, the blond.. I foresaw this all turnings ago. When I told you that our children would be siblings.. I was not lying. You will give birth to another child of source. A sister or brother of gift. We each have a part in this ..in this child's life. I can not yet tell you these things, you are not ready. But you need to be.. you will not get your gift back until you can focus yourself. You will need to find in yourself a need, something beyond just those cards. You will need to learn to adapt. It is easier said than done I know, but when has anything in your life been easy. I think you should go to Aiden and start by telling him the truth. That’s what he truly wants."

I wanted to tell him. But I knew I could not tell him everything. Did I dare? I was still fearful, afraid of what Castor would do. He seemed to be a man of his words, especially when he threatened."

"You tell him everything Mekaré you tell him. Answer everything he asks you until he stops asking.. and when he does. You say what you have to... what your heart tells you.. You can tell him whatever you want to. You are the one who gives Castor his power. You are the one who lets Kane control you.. and thereby control Aiden. You castrate Aiden. Who are you to decide what Aiden does and does not know?"

"And how would I live with myself if something happened to Aiden, because of something I told him? That is what I fear the most. That I would be the last needed ingredient, the catalyst for the chaos that would follow."

"So ultimately. this about you? This is not about Aiden, your love for him. Your love for Kane.. or even your honor. It's about you not wanting to deal with the possibility of guilt. That my dear is selfish and foolish and rude. Again I ask. Who are you to make that decision? Do what you feel is right, but remember that this life is about balance cause and effect.. You made a decision.. it cost you. What will the next one cost you?" She moved to me and kissed my cheek.

It sounded so self serving when she said it that way, and that wasn’t it at all. "Do we not have a certain obligation to be careful of what we say? Do we not have an obligation to protect, if it is in our power? What's been done to me is done, it cannot be changed. But do I not have a duty to take care in releasing something that could be.. devastating?"

“No dear. No we don't. We are truth tellers. If we do not tell the truth, we alter the fate of others. We force them into avenues they may not have chosen had they been aware of the all the facts. You have a good kind heart and I know that though your word could have been taken as selfish and rude it was not from those things that you spoke. You love my son and he you. You may not understand now why he did what he did.. but it will unfold to you. And though you two may or may not be meant for each other.. you will need each other times to come. Make amends with him Mekaré."

When she left I went for a walk. I had much to think about. I needed to talk to Aiden but I had no idea where to look. But destiny had handed me another card, even though I couldn’t read them.

I found him in the square, sitting beneath one of the large statues, but the moment he saw me he lifted to his feet and began to walk away. "I have to talk to you. There is so much you need to know, so much I have to tell you. I know you think it's over between us, and perhaps a certain part of us is lost, but there are forces working against you, against us both. Please, stop, Aiden, will you stop and listen to what I have to say? Please?"

"No." However he did grab my hand immediately and leading me to a dark alley. "Talk."

"Several hands ago, I was sent a letter. One that bid me to attend a meeting, a meeting I had no choice but to attend. A man, Castor Minus believed me to be a charlatan. He and the High Initiate, my.. gift coming into question. He said that if I did not help him, that he would.. kill you, and I would be impaled... or enslaved." I paused just long enough to catch my breath." So I agreed to help him. It was he that I spent my days with, it was not with any in study of the arcane. It was he whose scent you smelled upon me. It was he who continued to hold the reins of both our futures. It was he who I fell in love with, even as I loved you. He is the one that wanted you to be my first. I suppose, in a way, I was his gift to you, a gift from a father, to his son."

"You did not trust me enough to tell me. I was your guardsman, Astraea. I was your man. You would lay with me, but not trust me enough to protect us from him. And what am I to do with this knowledge.. that You think me partially a boy? You compromised yourself for me.. for a man that flaunts and manipulates you. I do not understand you Astraea. I am sorry I let you down." He stepped around me and started to walk away.

"I did not, because of what Castor had told me. Even telling you now I am fearful at what he will do in retaliation. Understand, I thought I was protecting you. I thought what I was doing was saving your life. I warred with this knowledge, day after day, I wanted to tell you, but didn't want to be responsible for what my words might bring. I will tell you anything you wish to know. You have only to ask. I should have told you. I know that now. I allowed fear to over ride my senses. I was wrong. You had a right to know, I realize that now." I hastily stepped in his direction, then in front of him, hoping to block his path." Wait.. There’s more."

He turned around to face me."IT WAS NOT RIGHT! Don't you realize I would have died for you. Don't you realize I only ever feel safe around you?"

"I did die for you." The words were said in such a way he may not have heard. He may not have understood. "Your mother is here, in Ar. Staying at the inn, I presume. Why do you only feel safe around me? What could I possibly offer you in the way of safety?"

He glared at me. He glared down at me like I was the most evil and wretched thing that had ever lived. He backed away from me. "My mother is dead. I saw her die. I do not know what your game is."

"She is not dead. She's alive Aiden, as is your father. You do not have to take my word for it. I wouldn't expect you to, see for yourself. Go back to the inn. You will find them."

"Even if she is... what is the point of telling me this? Does this absolve you of lying to me? Of all your wrong doings to me? I don't need you to save me. By the very admission of action you are implying I am too weak to do so for by myself. If my father wishes to kill me ...or my mother for that matter let them come."

I had wanted to make things right, but I seemed to only be making things worse. He shoved me against the wall behind me. "I loved you Aiden. I love you still. I didn't know he was your father until it was too late. I can't help that I love him as well. I need him. But I need you too. And I think you need me. We have.. a connection, the two of us. Not only did something happen to me the night we lay together, but to you as well. Can you feel it? I can."

"What are you talking about? Are you talking of the gift? The voices?"

"Do you hear them? Do they talk to you Aiden? Can you understand them? You can't tell me that something isn't different with you. I may not have you in my bed, but I need you in my life, as you do me. We are.. connected in some way I cannot explain. Do you feel that as well?"

"I don't hear voices Astraea.. I see things.. I dream of things. The night that I took your gift.. I do not wish to talk about this in the streets like a sleen. There are things I need to tell you .. that I don't want others to hear.. where can we go?"

"There is a small empty room over a store I've been looking at. I still have the key; we can go there, if you wish." Now it was my turn to take his hand, leading him to the abandoned storefront, then skirting around behind it, by way of back alley. "It's quite empty of furniture, but it's private. I don't really know what I thought I'd do with it, but it caught my eye when I first seen it, called to me... before.. We can talk here."

"Are you angry at me for what I did? Do you know why I did it?"

"Angry.. no. Saddened, yes, I suppose I am. I'm.. so lost now. I have to start completely over, and I have no idea where to begin. That's why I thought maybe this place.." My shoulders lifted and fell in a despairing shrug. "Your mother says you thought you were saving me. Is that really it? Did you think I was being consumed by it?" I had taken his hand in mine again.

"There are many reasons why I did it, that being the most important and at the fore front. I wanted to show you that you were so much more than your gift. That you were desirable.. beyond just something carnal. A piece of ass... isn't that what he called you? I needed you. I was scared and confused.. I wanted to prove I was a man."

"I need you to Aiden. But I need you as something more than a lover. I don’t know, I can't explain it.. but I feel together we are stronger, even though I don't yet understand why. I know if our friendship fails, that something terrible will happen. You'll need me, and I won't be there. Or I'll need you, and you won't either. Does that make any sense?" My hand had tightened on his, turning to look at him. "He calls me many things, but he doesn't really mean them." Love was blind, deaf and dumb.

"You haven't seen it then? They haven't told you have they? There are things that come to me all the time.. things about you .. about what I did and your gift.. but I am not sure that I should tell you. Does that not change the outcome of things? I have had this gift in some form for many years, it is only now that I have had sex that it is at it's full potential and only when I did so with you that I ... It doesn't matter... do not hide things from me.. please."

Tell me, Aiden, what is it you see? People have a right to know what their future might bring, so that they are given the chance to change it for the better. Once I believed this, then I was unsure, but now I believe that again, with ever fiber of my being. If you know something, you have to tell me. It's the only way that I can prepare."

"I didn't take your gift from you. It's still there. You just have to find it again. I can not tell you much more, without you thinking I have ulterior motives, but you will bear me children.. and we will be companioned for a spell.. in the future. It will not be for romance. We will fulfill a contract."

"Find it? How do I find it? I was told I would bear Kane children. Please, I've been completely honest with you, you have to tell me whatever you've seen. Please Aiden. I'm afraid. Afraid of so many things I've never been afraid of before. If you have insight to give me, I'm asking you to tell me."

"Finding it is, is something no one can tell you, but I will advise you to listen to my mother. She is wise.. and she will and wants to see you healed." He touched my lips as though he was admiring the kiss I’d left, however brief. "I know what you're asking me, but you know this gift as well as I, better It does not come always in ways I can explain. Perhaps I can only see what you will have with me? Perhaps you will have a fleet of children. Perhaps I am wrong, but I will be here with you. I will tell you what I know."

I told him of Kane, that he asked about him often. I could see in his eyes that he hates his father.

"One always remembers their very first love, and you were mine. You still are, the love has only changed, not dissipated. I wasn't lying to you when I told you I needed you. I do. You are my, strength."

"Promise me something. You find one night where you can slip a way from your lover, maybe in the day if the night is not possible. Where we can meet here.. and we sleep together? I will bring furs and a lantern.."

And so plans were made. One I cheated on the son by way of the father.

Now I would be cheating on the father.. because of the son.

No Rest for the Weary

No sleep for the mad

No peace for the weak

No dreams to be had

No whispers of comfort

No craving of fate

No pretense of warmth

No desire to sate

No feelings roam

In this vast empty shell

For no life is present

In my vacant hell