Baby Gifts

A baby crib from Akasha Allianna, where little Charm can sleep peacefully and dream of things to come.









A gift from Kitty Vance, a beautiful little golden bracelet, one that can be passed down to Charm's own first born daughter.






A rocking chair to lull away the restless nights, from Aurora, Lukas and family.











A silver spoon and fork, fit for a princess, one to be treasured. From Aurora, Lukas and family.










A bassinet to keep her safe near mommy's side. From Aurora, Lukas and family.

Castalia, or Charm as I have come to call her, has been the receiver of many thoughtful gifts. I still keep my distance from most of the Schendi population, though I do try to associate for the sake of my daughter. I do not want her brought up with my proclivity for isolation. As much as I realize she needs me, I also realize that she needs to be surrounded by those who can help her grow as a person. Hopefully, in allowing this, she will not blossom into a woman who has a penchant to be quiet and melancholy, like myself.

Kings I miss him. There are times I want nothing more than to run back to AR, back to him and all that may await me there. But I can not, for I fear what waits is steel and the loss of my child. I should have thought this through more calmly. I should have told him. I should have done so many things differently, but now it is too late.

The decision was made and now I must live with it. Charm must live with it. She can never know.

Castalia Charm

My daughter has arrived, 1 1/2 stones, 17 horts. She had inherited the best aspects from both of us; Kain’s intoxicating blue eyes and my fair complexion, as well as a tuft of red hair. She doesn’t seem to have his temper either, which I suspect is a good thing, but I can’t help but wonder if I did the right thing in taking her away from him. I tell myself I had no choice, that I am only trying to protect her innocence, but truth be told, I would have to admit that I was trying to protect my own as well. How could I allow her to live in his world, having had a taste of it myself?

I still love him. I will always love him, but love does not always a relationship make. At least not a good relationship.

So I shall continue on, keeping all at bay in hopes of keeping my daughter safe. I shall reside in Schendi, and soon I will find a house for us.

An Empty Dollhouse

I thought it would have been easier. I should know by now that nothing is easy.

I thought that I could do this on my own, raising a child, but now, even before she’s made her entrance into the world, I’m having second thoughts. Maybe I should have stayed in Ar. Maybe I should have told Castor he was going to be a father. Or maybe I should have taken Aiden up on his offer.

I realize there is no real answer to my impending dilemma and that I had no choice in what I have done, but that doesn’t seem to make me feel and better. So many women here are with child, each eagerly awaiting their baby’s birth, while I falsify the death of my daughter’s father. I miss him.

One of the women that had done such a splendid job on the fair recently gave birth to a daughter, so I sent her the gift I had made for Castalia before leaving Ar. A fanciful little dollhouse, complete with a tiny winged creature, one that was created from my mother’s bedtime stories to me.

I’m not sure why I had the sudden urge to simply give it away, except for the fact that it seemed so empty and lonely, and continually put me in my melancholy mood. I’ve already written to the man who made it, asking for another one, though I know it will not be identical to the one I gave away. I think tonight I will set aside some time to cry and feel sorry for myself, so that tomorrow I can face the day anew and put the tears behind me. I, as always, will persevere.

Shape Shifter

My life is changing as quickly as my body, each day a new experience.

I’m still staying in Schendi, where I hope, if all things go well, that I will be able to stay and make a life for Castalia and myself. Perhaps I can obtain a small house on the beach, some where peaceful and serene, where my daughter will be raised with all the love I can offer. But I have to admit, I am afraid.

At times I feel I can hear her talking to me, especially when I find myself emotionally distraught. She will be a wise child and I will begin to weave around her the tale of her birthright from an early age. Daughters. We are all cursed to bear only daughters, for the female line must continue.

I’ve shortened my walks in the evening, finding I lose my breath easier now than I did only a hand ago. My stomach is hardening and I am more restless than usual, even though I find I sleep an exceeding amount. Not even the cards can call me from my slumber, though I have been having the strangest dreams. Aiden haunts me, as well as his father, two faces so familiar, and yet, not.

Color Makes the World Go Round

I have received a wonder full gift from the Lady Akasha, a set of coloring sticks to repair the hues on some of my cards. This was what I was doing when the knock came upon my door.

I was seeing the color of rose.

I know all too well that a woman is never safe and no matter what her justifications might be, there is no other will to follow other than a mans. I would realize this more today then at any other time in my life.

He stood there, dirty, ragged and coated with a pungent odor not at all to my liking. He immediately pushed open the door and stepped into my world as if he had a right. Perhaps he did, that line having long been blurred.

He said not a word to me, stripping and immediately making himself comfortable in my bath. Only then did he call to me.

I stepped into the bathroom, leaning on the sink, Castalia kicking, my child sensing something wasn’t quite right. "How did you find me? What's more, is why?"

"Doesn't matter ...I just needed to."

Pains ripped through my stomach, hard enough to knock the air from my lungs.

I was seeing the color of white hot flashing stars.

"Why Schendi.."

"Because it was as far away from Ar as I dared to travel."

His back was littered with whipping scars and I knew there was more to his coming here than he was telling me. "Would it be horrid if I stayed with you? Just for a while."

"No, I suppose not. I'm not certain I'm going back to Ar. How long will you be staying?"

"As long as I need to."

"There are some things you should know. Being in my.. condition, if asked, I'll be telling people my companion died and I set off to start myself a new life." I did not see this as a lie, for in many ways, Castro had died for me and I so wanted to start fresh again. No only for me, but my daughter. My having not been companioned to her father might have forever attached a stigma to her that I didn’t want. This would be a new beginning for us both. “No one can know who the father is.”

"There are something’s I shall being telling people... That I am your child's father and your companion. And you're correct no one should know my sister's father.. not even her. It isn't safe for you to travel even under the guise of a widow. You aren't safe.. I will stay and help you for as long as I am welcome. You know .. We are not far from Amarna?"

"Really? You know you are welcomed for as long as you like, but what am I to do when you leave? No, I think it might be best I stick to the widow story. I don't want to have to explain your sudden departure when you get the urge to move on. What about your friend Heavyn? Does she know where you are?" Heavyn and Castor.

I was seeing the color of green.

"I do not wish to speak of her, but I left her. I am plagued now...Astraea. With nightmares the likes of which I have never had before. I am compelled down a path... and she could not understand that. Normals never do. She is with Kain, who she parades around with as a lover."

I could well understand that myself. Normals, what an odd word, but how well it seemed to fit.. everyone but us. I swallowed back the lump in my throat at the mention of Kain’s name.

"Forgive me. You have a choice to make ...you can tell people I am your companion.. a merchant who travels a bit. To care for you and the babe or I will return you to him as a run away slave. My sister will be taken from you... but you both will be safer. Please Astraea don't make me do that."

"You would.. do that to me.. and your sister? Return us to a man that would surely be the death of us both? Safer? You think that I am.. safer with a man like him? You're a fool Aiden, if you truly believe that." But he had left me no choice. "Fine. You can play the part of my companion, as well as your sister's father." My daughter’s heritage was turning into a twisted family tree.

It was true, I had submitted to his father, but he had removed the band from my neck. I had seen him only a few times after that. He had freed me, or had he? I am no longer quite sure.

"Thank you. I needn't share your couch we are just companions in guise. It's not proper."

I was seeing the color of red.

Another pain shot across my stomach, drawing another wince. "She's certainly active when you're around, that's for sure. And why can’t we just tell people you’re my bother?”

He frowned and moved behind me, placing his hands on my hips turned me to the mirror, he looking over my shoulder at our reflection. "Your hair is red.. Mine is black. Your eyes are green mine are blue.. My face is angular.. Yours is soft. Do we bare any similarity? And when the girl is born she will look like you and Kain.. What is the most likely thing to believe? Not too mention we have been ... intimate. I am sure that it will show in the way I touch you. How protective I will be . That ruse will be ridiculous."

I hated it when he was right. Such an annoying trait. "We could have had different mothers."

The pains were coming faster and lasting longer and when it got too bad, he laid his hand on my stomach, the pain receding. It wasn’t the pain of labor. It was something else.

"Aiden, why did you come. Really I mean. Why are you here? I've not seen you in months."

"I had not anticipated seeing you again. I wanted very much for you be happy. I tried to make you happy, but I wasn't enough. I had a vision Astraea.. of things to come. Of Castilia.. of Mother.. of you and Kain. I had a vision and I did not like what I saw. "

"What is it you did see? Tell me and hold nothing back, I'll know if you do."

"You needn't concern yourself with those things, only the health of your child. That is why I am here."

"Mother.. She knows ..and is trying to hurt my sister."

Terror swept through me, the mere thought of someone, anyone trying to hurt my child the most horrific thing that could happen. But his mother? Why? It was she that told me all those months ago that I would bare Kain a child, a sibling to Aiden. Her prophecy had come true, but what had she not told me?

"ALL OF THEM."

"Us, they want.. us." But for what I had no idea.

"I am glad you're here, despite the fact I'm not so fond of your trickery."

I was seeing the color of black.

Aiden rested while I investigated the fair. I had thought to eat downstairs, alone, before realizing that he too could benefit from a good meal. I had noticed he was far too thin.

" Where were you all day?"

"I had breakfast. I walked to each of the events, though I didn't join any, I didn't think it would be safe."

"Would you like to partake in any of the festivities? I am sure we could find something for you to do. Maybe the 400 meter waddle?"

Ah, if only there was such an event.

"Perhaps we could, will you be referee?" I paused, smile had, before it turned a little sour. "I asked about staying in Schendi today, seems I need to talk to the Administrator. Which reminds me, I told someone I was.. I mean, that my companion was in the City of Dust. You can, of course, make a recovery from that, but I just wanted you to be.. sure that this is what you

want."

"Mm" He grabbed my arm and pulled me back into the room, closing the door, then pinned me against it. Supper would have to wait. "What is it you want Astraea? I am tired of your passive aggressive dancing. Your constant tests? If you want me to stay I will stay.. if I did not want to be here I would not have come."

I was seeing the color of confusion, one laced with sharp jagged glass.

What do I want? It should be such an easy question to answer. So why can’t I? "I want you to stay. But I don't want you to stay on.. principal. I don't want to come to want you here, just so you can leave me later. It's you who have to make the decision Aiden. I don't want a part time companion, not even in a companionship that is .. faked. Can't you understand that? You can't keep drifting in and out of my life.” And there it was. I wanted a fragment of stability, something I have never had.

"Don't bark orders at me like a shrew.. it makes this little vein between your brows puff up and it's quite ugly. I can understand that.. but I don't want a companion.. Even a faked

one that likes fucking my father more than she does me. I can do as I please Astraea and you will always accept me. You know it. You're looking for a commitment out of me.. just like you looked for one out of my father. You know there is another Valerian .. Though he's got a companion. I suppose you won't get commitment out of him either."

"You're a cold prick Aiden. You and your father have much in common."

"You're a cold prick Aiden. You and your father have much in common. I'm hungry and I want to go downstairs to eat. Are you coming, or do you wish to keep me here, pinned to the wall? We can talk about this.. after I've got a full stomach."

"Only because I would not bend to your whim.. and if that is all that makes me like my father than so be it. I will wear my father's name with pride. I would love to keep you here pinned to the wall so I can listen to you bitch at me some more, but I suppose you might be less likely to be ridiculous with your mouth stuffed to capacity, Buttercup."

He took my arm and led me downstairs. "And what do you think you're in the mood for Astraea?"

"Would I really get that if I told you?" The buffet offered many things, but peace of mind was not one of them.

"Undoubtedly have I ever denied you the simple pleasures of life?" His hand pressed to my belly and I could feel Castalia kick. "Sit. I am sure your ankles hurt. Mine would had I all that wait to carry. Is there anything else you saw that you didn't grab? I will get it for you."

My plate was piled high with the assortment of foods, but my appetite was waning. "You're a tarsk. I'll take a glass of juice. I wouldn't want to .. offend you with my awkward gait."

"No.. but if You keep talking to me that way I'll have you grunting like one. You don't offend me. I like the gigantic sway of your bovine hips, but others are here to eat. I think a slave brought down tarts, shall I bring you one?"

"Yes, tarts, I'll have three." I might as well make the most of it. "Are they ramberry? I only like ramberry."

I waved Akasha over to join us, as much in politeness as a potential referee. “Akasha.. this is Aiden. my.. um.. my.." It was obvious I was struggling.

"I am Astraea's brother.."

I was relieved he hadn’t introduced me as his companion. I’m not sure why, but it was a game I just didn’t want to play. The fewer lies, the better. They tend to meld in my head.

I explained who the Lady Akasha was and the gift she had given me. Aiden made his retreat back to my room, while I remained and ate.

Small talk ensued, she having given away all but one of her scarves.

I hadn’t noted the man sitting near us, one who was listening to our conversation. Akasha had mentioned she would never companion again and he asked to whom she’d been companioned, a name he’d never heard. Then he turned to me, interrogation begun. He asked where my companion was, to which I replied, that he was in the City of Dust, to which he asked his name. I counted with a name, Kain Versus. Close, but not so close he would ever be found. Which I’m quite positive he would have wanted.

“Kane Versus? Never heard of the name. Perhaps I should do some research on the name. Make sure and all. A gorean man if not in the city of dust would love to know he has an heir.” Why he would even care was beyond me.

"Or perhaps you should let a dead man remain dead ..and leave my sister to mourn in peace.." Aiden had returned in the nick of time, but that atmosphere had changed. "I think it's time we head out for the even Astraea. It's getting thick in here."

“Ah... I see. Perhaps you being that far along lady should be kept more hidden till after the birth... a single woman.. with child...is warranting of many unliked outcomes. Be well.” The undercurrent of his tone was clearly recognized.

"Yes, exercise. Please do excuse me Akasha."

“Run lady...wouldn’t want me to find you after the fair.”

Running, it’s what I’ve done my entire life.

I was seeing the color of yellow.

Though I was still rattled, I felt immediately better the ehn I stepped from the inn, but Aiden was livid. "If that tarsk fucker comes near you I'll cut him from ear to ear. I don’t care if you don't want me to tell people I am your companion, that is what will be said.. do you hear me."

"We can't say that now, the lie has already been cast. It will put both of us in a bad light. I suppose I'll need to find another City now."

"Then lets leave. The whole point of this was that you be safe. You're so fucking stubborn." His anger was wrapping tightly around me and just like that, it was gone.

"You don't need me . I am going to Amarna."

"So you are leaving me. Maybe it's for the best then. Maybe you'll find.. peace there."

"What good am I doing here! You do not take in consideration anything I say.. I am just some man trying to what.. !!! WHAT!!!!! I wanted you I wanted to make you happy.. but you chose him over me. I try to protect you and you can't even stomach saying I am your companion. And then when I tell you I am leaving you blame me for that too. I am sick of your blame.. your feelings.. your wants.. So yes I am leaving."

"Leave Aiden, go on, it's what you're best at. Every time something doesn't go you're way, you run. You ran from Heavyn, and now you're running from me. You're right, you should have never come. I don't need someone drifting in and out of my child's.. or my life. Blame? I don't blame anyone for anything. I put myself in this position and I well know that. But can't you see? I'm trying to make a better life for me and your sister. I just want to forget the past and start fresh. Is that so wrong? "

He grabbed me by the back of my neck, his anger transforming to rage. "You see, that's where you're wrong. You belong to my father, therefore you belong to me as well." He started to rip at my clothing, his hold unrelenting.

I was seeing the color of purple.

I fought against him the best I could, fearing for not only my child, but me. My fists pounded against his chest, but they had minimal effect. He even gagged me with a strip of torn fabric, then pulled me back into the inn and my room.

"You forget, freedom is based solely upon the will of men. So when you shoot your foolish mouth off you do nothing but threaten your own safety. And when father finds out you stole his child...you might as well kill yourself."

I was angry, more so than I'd ever been before. And combined with that was fear, true fear to the likes I'd never known, not even with his father. He tied me to my sleeping couch, then pulled up a chair beside me, staring at me. He removed the gag, and I tried to talk to him. I tried with all my heart to get him to see things from my vantage point. But he could not. Eventually he laid down beside me, falling asleep. At least I thought he was asleep, and having worked the loose knots from my wrists, I fled the room. Of course, had I been thinking with a clear mind, I would have realized that Aiden was far too experienced a man to make the mistake of loose knots. When I had calmed down, I had returned, only to find him gone.

And then it hit me.

I would never again see the color of white.

The Fabric of Roots

I have at last reached Schendi for the fair, but I wonder if I should have waited so long to come. My daughter will be making her arrival in less than a moon, if she appears on schedule. But then again, babies never give one enough time to plan.

I left no note of where I was going, or where I could be found. I’ve not seen Castor since our daughter was conceived. I often wonder if I had the choice, would I change that night. I always expel the same answer. I would not.

A daughter. I have no doubt that my child shall be a girl, and yet, I can not convince myself to start thinking of names. I am alone, but I am by no means lonely. Nor am I distraught over the fact that I shall be raising my child alone. I realize it is for the best, and that Castor can not be recognized as her father. I shall start immediately concocting a story of her heritage. Though I shall be as truthful as possible, I will have no choice but to insert certain amounts of fantasy into my history. I know, to keep her safe, as well as myself, I will have to misguide the truth.

Administrative Reading

I was out for a walk today, coming upon the Deputy Administrator and Rowan, who I had met before. I read for them both, earning my daily needed intake of coin. Rowan’s reading was rather optimistic, though Niros’s was not. What one can tell about a person, simply through a turning of cards.

A Moment of Weakness

I almost did the unthinkable today. I almost sought him out, revealing the fact that I carry his child. I did not, but the fact that I even wanted to was a sign of how weak I have become.

It is apparent now that I am indeed with child, thus shown by my sluggish movements and over tiredness. I need to start planning for the future, which I now realize can not be done in Ar. I have decided that I will soon travel, despite the fact of my ever growing predicament. I would like a small house of my own, away from the crowds that seem ever constant in Ar. Somewhere safe to raise my child, if there is indeed such a place in existence.

If it’s out there, I shall find it.

Aiden's Assurance

I had been cleaning the upper apartment when he found me, or rather, I found him.

He sat there against the wall, his head in his hands, much like a child that had no one else to turn to. No one but me.

Heavyn has kicked him out. They seem to have a communication gap that cannot be bridged. Aiden thinks he wants one thing, while she wants another. She wants him to companion her, but she does not desire children.

I poured him a glass of wine, as well as one for myself, though I knew I wouldn’t be drinking much. I tried to soothe him was hopeful words, unfortunately I’ve never really been very good at that. Perhaps in time, I told him.

I’m not even sure if it was Heavyn Lee who was the catalyst in his mood. He wanted to know about his father. He wanted to ask me questions about Castor, a name that has always been a subject we have tried to avoid in the past. Did I really love his father? I had to tell him the truth. I did. I loved him with everything that I was.

Maybe it is that he constantly compares himself to his father and feels he comes up short. I know that Castor will never companion me. Not even now with the child I carry. I’m not even sure I’m going to tell him, for such information would only give him more things to worry about. Of course, if I stay in Ar it would be quite obvious. So what do I do? I shall have to make up my mind soon. I told Aiden I would never leave Castor, but for the sake of my unborn child, is that a wise choice?

He is still so young, my sweet Aiden, so unassured and so hard on himself. I find I want to protect him from the woes of the world, I want to spare him pain and I wish to see him thrive. But these are things that are not within my realm of control. They never have been. Perhaps if I penned a note to his mother.

He wants to companion his Heavyn Lee, I can see it in his eyes. He loves her, I have little doubt of that. He doesn’t understand her, but of course, neither does he understand me. I’m not sure any man understands any woman.

I suggested that he talk to her again, and even as we spoke of the woman he loved, he kissed me.

Father or son, I can deny neither.

Visitant Visions

I watched as he dressed me, carried me outside and set me atop the tharlarion. I could see the grief on his face. I knew then how true it was, that he did love me, even though I knew he would never be faithful to me. It was a price I was willing to pay. He took me back to the inn, never realizing how hard I was warring against the current of an endlessly dark sea. I could feel the pulling of my body, the fight for survival, then suddenly the boundlessness of a beautiful horizon. One that slowly waned into blood.

“A storm of wings will fall upon the city, a swarm so dark it will block out the light of lar torvis. The streets will fill with seekers and children will cry in their mother’s arms. The great man locks himself within walls of stone, a fortified city in its own right, and from there he shall rule.”

Lashes fluttered and quiet whispers filled the room, I grabbing his hand with an unusual strength.

“He tricked you. Even now he plots, for you have gone against him too many times. You are a man who is quickly running out of options. But you should know that others are plotting against him, for his friends.. those that he can trust, become fewer with each passing day. And you should also know that there is another man that waits in the wings of his defeat, to take over where he leaves off. It does not stop, and the next man to sit on his debauched throne will be.. worse. It is not your Phelps that is the darkness. It is his new blood, one he has been training in secret, where there are no eyes to disapprove."

“You speak of these things as facts.. I will not allow them.. I love you. We will be happy together. I want to think of nothing but you Astraea..."

The birthmark on the inner recess of my wrist was burning, as if someone had laid a brand to flesh. Only now did the full force of it hit me, as well as its odd shape. The number seven.

And the voices were back.

I took him like a starved lover, hungry for the warmth of flesh, wanting to devour the man whose very heart and soul I had seen into. "I will always love you."

Words that were riddled with familiar farewells, even though saying goodbye was the last thing I wanted. I could feel the end. It was nearing. My end, but how or why or when, I did not know. I kissed him as if it would be our last and I clung to him like a woman that would melt away with the early coming of dawn. But I would not. With Kane it was truth, all pouring into an empty soul and he would be the only man that could ever fill me as such. "I love you so much." The rhythm of sexual faith continued and quickened, I breaking the kiss to arch backwards, the curve of my back crescenting like a Taharian's scimitar, the rain falling and pelting across my body like a hundred small stinging bees. We made love in the midst of a storm, the balcony doors left open. I convulsed against him, wrapped in his embrace, as he was my own. While worlds raged around us, we were safe in our own little haven. At least safe for now. Kisses collided over his face, his cheek, his chin and down his neck. And when we were both spent in our passions, I collapsed against him, warm with the knowledge that he would, when the time came, make the right choice.

I would soon bear the bastard of Kane.