A tattered angel, onward I grope
Forever I wander, looking for hope
Heaven it seems, so far away
Is no place for me, so here I must stay
My wings, they are fragile, and easily tear
For they no longer hold me up in the air
My angelic voice, which used to sing
Cries out for the happiness it once did bring
My halo of gold, is beginning to rust
And my eyes are filled with fear and mistrust
My robes of white, that once were so clean
Have been soiled with the blood of hands unseen
Hath, my faith, is falling apart
For I no longer hold an innocent heart.
I hadn't seen him for days, nor had I heard a word from him. There had been no visits, no notes, no communication of any type. Was this his way of telling me I was free of him? He seemed to have abandoned me. Freedom, once thought the most precious thing was now replaced with trepidation, stabbing thoughts that he had changed his mind. Was that really such a bad thing?
Through the doors of the inn I ventured, steps taken towards his room. I still had time to turn away, to run back to the safety of Aiden, but I did not. Instead I had chose to seek the council of a man I knew would be my undoing.
He opened the door and stared at me with those cold blue eyes, eyes that were so unyielding. "I did not call for you." He closed the door in my face, before he reopened it and pulled me into what could only be described as the most depressing darkened room I had ever been in.
"No, you did not, for days, which is why I have come to call on you." The hood was released, a buoyant flow of red freed from fabrics grasp. "Why are you shuttered in such a dark depressing room?" I had moved from the door to the window, before turning back towards him. "Would you rather I go?"
"Yes." He sat on the edge of the couch again lapsing into silence.
"I see." Obviously it had been a mistake to visit without invitation. I headed for the door, fingers, reaching for the knob. "Do you wish me to return? Am I to await word from you, or would you rather not see me at all?"
"The knife there.. bring it to me." Hold dropped from the door's knob, I turning to gather the knife from the table that lay closer to him then me. The blade was picked up by hilt and offered to him. "Would you like to tell me what's going on?"
He seized my hand with the blade in it and forced me to my knees, his hold threatening to break my wrist if I did not comply. I tried to drop the knife but I could not, its point turned in my direction, steel lost in the layers of cloth, the clothing cut away methodically. First mine, then his.
From kneel to floor I fell, him over me, slipping between my thighs and even in the
"Stop! What are you doing!" I slapped and pushed at his chest, trying unsuccessfully to roll away. I knew he was a rapist, I’d seen it, but now I saw nothing, my head too fogged with the want of
my own escape.
He pressed himself between my legs and put the blade to my throat. He stared at me, then stabbed the blade into floor above my head, effectively pinning me down.
The calm and quiet madness was felt, the push and punch of my hands to his chest, though softened, they did not totally cease. I continued to whimper, haunting little pleas that whispered around his every move. "Don't .. please.." The touch of his lips to my breast brought a new terror, not because I was afraid that he was going to rape me, but the fact that I might be willing if he continued. I tried to press my legs together, vice like on his body that was set between them. I swallowed hard, trying to fight against the voice of reason, the cry of the cards and the call of all those lost souls before me. "No more." My voice was raspy, no bargaining chip left to offer, save one. "You needed me to find someone for you. I can not if you take what is not yours to take."
"And that is what this is about." He stared down at me, into my eyes and I started to speak again, but he would have none of it. "Be silent now." He licked over my breasts and downward, the teasing trail of tongue a creating a wet path over my body. I did not fight him. I did not deny him, or me.
I tried to keep my eyes open, this small thing making me feel as if I had some semblance of control, but I could not. Finally, my eyes simply rolled back, concealed by pale ivory lids. My hand moved to the back of his head, not in an effort to push him away, or even guide him, it was simply done to make sure he was real, that I wasn't caught in the tangled web of a dream.
So this was what I had been missing. 'No', whispered the cards, 'it's only a small part of it.'
And when he had me exactly where he wanted me, when I had been on the verge of something wonderful, he bid me to get up and ushered me into the bath, I told to kneel in a tub filled with warm water, while he knelt behind me soaping my body.
He seemed to enjoy teasing me, pulling the passion from me, but only enough to give me a taste of what could be. Danger had its high points, as well as its low ones. If only I could have distinguished between the two, safety might not have been as close as I thought.
He touched me, caressed me, kissed and licked over damp skin. I am finding that I am a woman quickly lost to temptations of the flesh and the frenzy felt within explodes outward with little warning. My body trembled and my eyes teared, the ragged panting of my breath colliding with small chokes and gasps, as if breath would never be caught again. And even on the edge of the total obliteration of my soul, I found I wanted more. So much more, my mind a haze of needful wants.
One should always be careful what they wish for.
Just as I began to regain some part of myself, he took me, his thrust into my body not a gentle one.
My cry of pleasured passion hastily turned to one of hurtful agony as penetration broke the cavity of my body. Thoughts shaped and shifted into confused images, tears breaking the boundaries of my eyes, I again doing everything in my power to get away from him. I did not quite understand what had happened and in my innocence, I immediately thought that he had broken his word. I begged him to stop, sobs reigning damply over my cheeks, trying to escape forward, even though he held me fast. It didn't dawn on me in that instant of terror, that he had not taken my most precious prize, instead having found another path to sate his need.
He was laughed at me, a cold and foreboding sound, his arms still holding me tightly, whispering in my ear. "Oh what's the matter little one. Tell me you want me to stop and I will. If only I could have you, I would show you what you missed with that boy of yours."
I was crying.. pain, humiliation and the fact that I was here because of my own actions. I could feel him, every terrifying hort, the thick pendulous predator that had impaled me, no less then if I had been sentenced to the gruesome death high above the cylinders of Ar.
I couldn't talk, words melting with choked sobs, though at least by his body had stilled.
He withdrew from me slowly and let me fall back into the water. "Enjoy the bath, I have a dealing down stairs and then I will finish you off. I like to be on edge when I do business."
"Bastard." It was the only thing I could think to say, slumped in the water, half afraid to rise. He was given a look, or rather, a scowl, I snatching a towel to wrap around me. "I won't be here when you get back."
"Bastard? I'd argue, but its true. Oh yes you will.." He moved towards me, bending down so that he was on my level."What bothered you most? The pain...the fact I did not ask? The fear you felt when you thought I had lied to you because you trusted me, but not completely?" He had turned away from me to grab a box, one he handed out to me. "I had this made for you." Then just as quickly pulled it from my reach. "You are confused, I can see it in your face.. why I did what I did? Yes?"
"You.. hurt me. Would I not be a total fool to trust you completely?" Too late was that lesson learned. I eyed the box but made no reach for it, my hand still grasping the towel around me as if it was the shield between life and death.
He snapped the towel away from me and shoved me back down into the tub. "No one said get up. No, you have too many of my secrets to just walk away and your departure means your inevitable death."
"Yes you would be that fool. Do you wish to know why I have not contacted you?" His thumb moved over my hip and I shuddered at his touch. "I desire you. I desire to have you at my feet. You have told me many a time that you could not take a man into your womb. I promised I would not... until you begged me. It would not be hard to do so. You are a wanton beast; you writhe with the slightest of touch, though you lack experience. You are a natural slave and though you do not wear a collar...you are meant to be a slave. Be cross with me if you must; think that I did that to hurt you. I fucked your ass because I needed to possess you. Even if but for a few moments and had I taken you ...by your own accounts you would have been ruined. I would say I am sorry.. but You were too sweet.. Too tight, and just the remembrance has me smiling. He gave me the box. "Do as you will with this, there is clothing for you in the wardrobe. Dress and go into the djoining room. Wait for me there."
He wanted me at his feet, yet he had removed the brand on my thigh. Perhaps he wished the pleasure of branding me again so he could taste my pain.
"I am not a wanton beast. I was only.. curious as to what I was missing." Not a lie, and yet, not the complete truth either. I could not hold his gaze and looked past him. I didn't understand. Not the desire he said he held for me, or the fact that he wanted to possess me, the first man that had ever wanted to possess me for reasons other than the ability of cards. "Do you think I hold the heart of a slave? Is that why you want me at your feet?"
"Of that I am not yet sure.. Yet another reason I can’t force you to kneel to me. If you heart isn't in it, it would most certainly break you and then...and only then would you be ruined to me."
He handed me the box, within a beautiful silver cuff bracelet. "It's beautiful."
He tipped my chin up and kissed me. "Let me show you how good that really feels. Not soon, as you will probably need sometime to heal."
I kissed him back. Why was I kissing him! Shouldn't I be slapping him? Pounding my fists against his chest? Shouldn't I hate him for what he'd just done to me? Shouldn't I be trying to find an assassin to rid myself of the man? But I couldn't. Even in his cruel desire of wanting to possess me, I found that I too, wanted him. I found that I wanted him to control me. I needed it. I craved it. I'd been born into slavery, far before the collar had actually ever been placed on my neck.
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