A Paper Menagerie

I try to be strong. I try to never allow anyone to see me cry. I try not to cry.

I ride the highs and lows of life like a Thassan wave, although I’m afraid the current pulls me under far more than the crest lifts me upward.

After a merry romp in the kitchen I was feeling ecstatic and very much looking forward to Charming’s bed time story. Cain tells the best stories, full of vivid personalities and picturesque landscapes. Usually they are tales of his homeland, of which I love to hear about.

Tonight had been one such yarn and with the words of magic he began to fold a piece of paper into a small animal. It caught me off guard and I stared, I suppose for too long, a frown knitting at my brow. It got me thinking of the paper menagerie that Lucian had crafted for Charm so long ago, and that got me thinking about Olivia. I tied to hide my momentary sadness, but nothing escapes Charm or her father, and so that there were no secrets to questions, I relented and told him about the paper critters.

He immediately rose and walked from the room, me left to stare after him. Charm didn’t seem all too pleased with me either, crushing the small paper woman he’d made between small fingers. Sometimes she is so much like her father it’s eerie. Aside from my red hair, there is nothing of me that resides within her. When I look at her, I see Nia and the influence of her teachings. I’ve always thought that Charm would inherit the cards, but now, I’m not so sure. Perhaps she is destined for another path.

We have different points of view when it comes to raising out daughter and I suppose that’s something that will never change. I want her to be a child, to enjoy the freedom of being young, of being innocent, and though she is innocent in many ways, there is a darker side to our daughter that I do not completely understand and reluctantly admit. He embraces that darker side, while I try to temper it.

I can’t seem to help but offend him because I have feelings for Olivia. Perhaps he sees her as a betrayal, a time in my life when I needed something other than him, but I refuse to regret a daughter that I wanted so much, even if I did lose her in the end. Some things are worth the pain.

Which brings me back to my son.

I’m not allowed to see him alone. He says it is because I am too emotional. To this I cannot argue, I am that, even though I try not to allow it to seep through. I’m not a weak woman. Sometimes broken, but not weak.

I wish he could see the difference.

Drink Me

Sustenance. It’s more than just a simple need of nourishment for the body. Provisions must also be made to feed the soul.

I’ve been hungry, starving for something that has eluded me, trying to find some invisible attainment within the passages of my days. I’ve been misplaced, or at least parts of me have been, irreclaimable pieces that have been lost over the course of the last few years, scattered to the four winds.

He gives me what no other man has ever dared, a banquet of emotional ecstasy that I can feast off of for days. I’m not even sure if he realizes that he is the cure for what ails me, but make no mistake, Castor is my cure.

He fills me with such sweet sinful succulence, I find it hard to put into words. When I’m with him it’s the only time I ever feel truly beautiful. The only time the thirst is quenched to such a degree that I no longer feel the ravenous gnawing inside of me, or the pangs of pain that leave me so famished.

He has become my nectar, the life giving force that supports my dire demand of the unquenchable, my devious desire for dinner.

Sated. I like the taste of that.

Five

Motion, Erratic, Adventure, Passion, Expansion, Travel, Unpredictability

Elecktra - Adventure
He wanted me to read for her, his new guest, a woman who has lost her sister. A woman who had come to Castor for training, but somehow, I feel there is more to it. She’s a dark haired beauty and I know from previous experience that he prefers dark hair. It worries me that he has told me nothing about her, therein lays the catch. It could very well be this woman who can supply his adventure addiction. I did read for her, the first card drawn, the Five of Swords. Five, the meaning goes beyond the simple act of reading.

Celo - Motion
His new slave has hair, gorgeous lengths of blonde, and has been assigned a name and not a number. I can only surmise by this fact that she is more important than the rest, or at least, different. She’s graceful, like a colorful butterfly and I can see she’s very eager to please him. Castor has never been a man who puts much stock in personal slaves, until now.

Nia – Unpredictability
She doesn’t care for me. I don’t believe she ever has. Castor trusts her, probably more so than me, but I don’t trust her at all. She sees me as a liability, one that will hinder his progress of greater goals, and I believe that if she thought she could rid the house of me, she would without a second thought.

Charm – Expansion
I still see her as a child, my child who doesn’t yet understand her gifts. She is more focused than me and she already knows what she wants. She is much more hungry for knowledge than I was at that age, and she absorbs quicker than any child should. He’s molding her into something, and I can already see that she is daddy’s little girl.

Me – Passion
Perhaps I would have been better described as Erratic. I’m trying to fit in again. To find my place. I want to be the woman who makes him happy, something I believe I’ve fallen short of in the past. I want to accept him as he is, perhaps another of my shortcomings. He’s trying, I can see it in everything he does. I need to try harder too. No one ever said that love would be easy.

Our Painted Realities

I looked as if I’d been painted in brush strokes of blood, dark crimson seeping into brown, dregs of red, saturated and dried, hung down in front of my face, giving me a rather feral look. If people usually gave me a wide berth in passing, they were doing that even more so tonight with their blatant stares and shocked whispers.

The painting war at Gina’s shop had done much to lighten my mood, even though I hadn’t won the contest. Mare and myself against Gina, Dor and Iris wasn’t exactly what I’d call fair play, but it was amusing.

I didn’t want Castor to see me at my worst, so I had returned to his house in hushed enfoldment, hoping to make it to my room without incident. But he was there, waiting for me. He had something to show me.

I used to hear him cry, my reality and illusion twisted. I used to think I was guilty, I still am, but for quite another reason.

I should have known. The signs were there, all of them, the dreams, the feelings, a part of my past I could not release. What I had thought I had done was all a lie. Aiden’s lie, that I had become an unwilling participant in. My son was alive. Here. But the destiny of the curse is not yet done with him.

And even though I gave up, Castor did not.

So many things are yet left unexplained. The fact that Charming had seen what I did, or what I thought I did. Was she picking up on my own guilty conscious? I realize she doesn’t understand the things she sees and this is something that I have been trying to help her with.

And Aiden. Why would he leave my son with a woman in the Tahari? If he had gone to such great lengths to make me believe I had killed him, he obviously wanted him for something. Why didn’t he take him with him? The answers to these questions are probably something I will never understand.

It’s not that I’m not happy that he’s home, I am, blissfully so, but there is a part of me that knows if answers do not come now, that something more frightening will be laying in wait, and it’s that thought that terrifies me..

Castor bought Charming a Nar.

Red

Copper tinged and full of tragedy. I could smell it. He wore it like armor, but guilt is not so easily shed.

Not like clothing trimmed in coins.

I could hear his heartbeat throbbing in my head. Demands to leave were heard, but unbidden.

Responsive motivation. An act of judgment. A curtain call that would lead to the next act.

Beauty isn’t always held by beast and bitter burdens aren’t always one man’s to bear. Acceptance. I understood. I’ve always understood.

Prints of passion bathed in blood, a lustful liaison that only sees red.

Forgive.

Forget.

Until the next time.

I'll see you then.

Castor

Velvet chains have always bound us, tethered us to some surreal world where no one else exists, only us. I have loved others, but he has always been the man who possesses and controls my heart strings, as much as I have tried to deny it.

He still desires me.

He’s trying so hard to be the man he thinks I need. It’s a new side of him, one I don’t remember having ever seen, a man who seems happy to have me back. A man who has wanted me back all along. He’s been waiting for me. He wants us to work. I want us to work too. He gave me a ring, a sapphire paired with diamonds.

I’ve changed in so many ways, both good and bad. I think I’ve grown, or at least expanded my horizons. Perhaps he has grown as well. I think he likes my new friends, or maybe he’s just glad I finally have friends. He’s been ..agreeable.

He still needs me.

For two nights a hand Charm and I are to stay with him at his home. Not by order, but request. I’m even going to be afforded my own room.

I am finding it far too easy to simply slip back into the only role I’ve ever been comfortable in. All he has to do is look at me and I can feel my resolve crumbling, the outer shell that I’ve worked so hard to build melting away. He brings out something within me that no one else can, though there are times I’m not sure if he’s the antidote I seek, or the poison that will crawl through my veins and destroy me.

I actually hope it’s a little of each.

He still loves me.

True love is so much more than the simple exchanging of words, or a lover’s rites of passage. It doesn’t die, it doesn’t mutate. What it does is condemn the bearer’s to an inescapable bond, one that will hold fast over the years, despite the distance of separation or the agony of desertion.

Ties that bind. I’ve missed him.

Turning Point

We can’t go back. We can’t repair the past. We can’t right the wrongs of the people who feel as if they have been betrayed by us. Life is what it is and it continues with or without our involvement. These are the things that I am learning. That we all make mistakes, but from those mistakes we draw what we can so that we do not make them again.

For two days a hand I have promised to stay at his house, so that he can spend more time with his daughter, with me, so that we can work on where we go from here. If indeed we are going anywhere. He’s given his pound of flesh for our safety, perhaps even for our lives. The agonies that he has gone through I cannot even conceive. No man will ever love me the way he loves me, even though his ways are not what anyone would consider normal. The obsessive compulsive emotions we have for one another transcends the breach of civilized desire, and that can be a very dangerous thing, especially for someone in his position. We are a very dangerous weakness.

He has made me see that I cannot abandon the daughter I have for the daughter I have lost, a daughter that I think about often. Several times I have set off to see if I would be allowed to see her, but I always stop short before I reach the house, unable to make the full journey to the doorstep. Is it better to just step away and watch her from afar? Would I confuse her with my presence and make matters worse? These are the things I distress over, trying to make the best choice not for me, but for her.

There is pain in his eyes at the fact that I have born another man’s child, and yet, I cannot be sorry for it. I would make the same choices if I had it to do again, even knowing the ultimate outcome and the sorrow that would follow. Even if I cannot hold her in my arms, she will reside within my heart forever.

I hope that she inherits all of my best qualities. I hope I can find a way for her to not forget.

A Lover’s Lullaby

I had stopped at the library after several ahns of cleaning at Gina’s shop, to get an armload of books to take home and study. It had been quite the exciting day, with Dor breaking her upstairs window, and a strange man hopping through it when she was breastfeeding. I think he was as frightened and confused as she was at the unexpectation of people, though I did stand with hammer poised, just in case he had ill intentions. I’m not really sure I could have hit him, but certainly I looked menacing enough with weapon in hand and at the ready. Dor allowed him to pass and as soon as he was safely away from Gina and child, went after him, but the stranger got away. I doubt that he’ll be back.

But I was in for another surprise when I returned to the small apartment in the Garden District. Of all people Cain was waiting for me.

He looks different, older, tired, weary from whatever he’s been doing for the last several months. I had thought he’d come for Charm, who he wasn’t suppose to return for until the season turned cold. He hadn’t though.

I’ve been doing well, for the most part. I’ve been able to keep my emotions under control, I’ve been keeping busy and I’ve been trying to move on. I never really know how hard that is, until I see him again. It’s no secret that I will always love him, that I have always loved him, but love has never been an easy road for us, and Cain has never been an easy man. Tonight was no exception.

When he kissed me, I was torn by the want.. the need to pull away, to disappear. How easy it would be to simply give myself over to familiarity, but I’m no longer the woman I was. I’ve changed, I’m different, and I’m afraid my metamorphosis is not a comely one. I confessed. I broke, I fell to the floor in a puddle of undiluted emotions and wept like the woman who had left the faire not so long ago. He told me I should have known better before I bedded Lucian, that I should have know what would happen. I could not disagree. My contract of trust had been verbal. Not that I think it would have made any difference.

He told me he loved me. Cain still loves me, even after what I have done.

But will he still love me when he sees what's inside of me?

Objects in the mirror were more fragile than they appeared. The mirror has shattered now and I am the slivers of glass that are chaotically concealed within the bloodstained furs.

Together we have played the lead roles in a lover’s lullaby, trying time and time again to fix a relationship built on passion and providence. I’ve never been good at denying him, and the only time in my life that I have ever told him no was when I carried another man’s child. And tonight.

How strange that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Double Trouble

I did not realized how much they looked alike. Especially in the dark.

Kain had come home, late, but he hadn’t come directly to our couch. Instead, he had sat in the adjoining room. Little did I know it wasn’t my Kain.

He said all the right things, words interspersed with the perfect measure of annoyance. I kissed his cheek in greeting, but that, according to Kain, was not the proper greeting he required.

It wasn’t long before I was undressed and we were in the bath, talking not exactly on his mind. Something was different, but I thought it was just his melancholy mood. I should have stuck to my instincts.

" I am trapped Astraea.. and there's nothing I can do about it. They've found Gabe and they're going to kill him. If I help my brother.. I will be caught.. and if I don't he'll die. I don't know.. I don't know what to do Astraea...if I save Gabe I put you and Charm at risk...and I most certainly will be assassinated. If Gabe dies, the resistance falls, his children are fatherless... his companion a widow. I want you to leave in the morning take Charm and go to my brother's house. I want you to tell him what I've told you. He'll protect you."

I didn’t understand how it was safer there than here, but he was right, I did have to warn Gabe. The fact that I would be living under the same roof with Zarah wasn’t so appealing either. I told him as much.

I thought he was going to slap me, but instead he only screamed at me. "DON'T QUESTION ME! DO AS I FUCKING SAY!"

He went silent for a moment, but when he spoke again, it made my blood go cold. "If he finds you... he'll gut Charm. He'll open her up and toss her to the sleens. And in your fit of mourning..

He and all his cabinet will take turns beating and raping you until you go insane. They'll make me watch and when they are done with you. Then they might kill me ...slowly."

Surprisingly, I was quite composed on the outside, but inside I was terrified. I had to get my daughter out of Ar, despite what he was telling me to do. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to question you."

I knew no one could truly protect us.

"I'm sorry too .. My brother will take care of you. Gabe's a good man."

He took me in his arms and kissed me, and he held me as if he would never see me again.

"Why... why do you love me Astraea?"

"Why? Because you accept me the way I am. You don't try to turn me into anything other then the woman I was destined to become."

"You better make this one unforgettable night." For it would be our last. I didn’t need the cards to tell me that.

"Oh it will be."

Had I only known.

My hands had begun to roam over his shoulders, his stomach, kisses coursed across his chin and mouth.

"Take a good look Astraea..." He shoved me away. "I am not Kain." He turned and walked away from me.

"Gabe? Then where is .. my companion?" Kain was the only worry on my mind, not the fact that his brother had purposely deceived me.

"He's trying to figure out what to do with the mockery he has made of his post. Everything I told you about him and Phelps and me.. It's true."

As shock set in, my second question was asked. "Why would you do.. this." Realizing I was still naked, I found I did not have enough hands to try and cover myself. At this point, Gabriel handed me a towel.

"I don't know. I wanted to see what the big turn on was. Sleeping with your brother's companion.. fooling someone else, Kain seems to like it so. "

"I see. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. You best leave before Kain gets home."

"Kain isn't coming home.. When you are less angry come see me. I have something for you from him."

As hurt and angry as I was at his deception, I couldn’t let him leave without knowing what he had for me. "I'm less angry. What do you have for me? Why isn't he coming home?"

"Because Phelps is going to try and kill me, I am not the only one pretending to my own brother. I don't know where he is or how to stop him.. so don't bother asking. He gave me a letter for you." He handed me the letter and for a moment, I was too afraid to read it. But I did.

‘My dearest love, I've done a lot of bad things in my life.. and I have the chance to protect my family. Go to Gabe.. and wait.. I will find you and Charm if I live.

Love K’

I folded the letter up and clutched it to my breast. "I'll need some time to get Charm dressed and ready.. and to pack. I assume we won't be telling your.. companion about your state of undress... here."

"I'll tell her. Zarah will be angry.. but I fooled you not the other way around."

"Yes, I suppose you did. It seems.. quite heartless, considering your brother is being held to protect.. all of us."

My life was about to become significantly.. less pleasant.

Breakfast for Three

I awoke to Kain and Charm leaning over my bed, patting me and trying to draw me from a deep sleep. Both moved to sit on the edge of my couch, while I tried to tame the wild red ringlets of Charm and myself. My two most favorite people in the world were hungry.

" Zarah came to see me this morning..." The perfect way to start out my day. "She came under the guise of patching things up with Gabe... I do not wish to do that.. Gabe is better without me."

"Guise? So you don't think her patching things up between the two of you was her main objective?"

"Doubtful.. I am not sure what she was here for...I am not even sure she does. She made comments about the fling between us.. belittled you.. and generally was her normal self."

Trust. I kept repeating it quietly under my breath. Given a chance, I did think he would sleep with her again. But he hadn’t. He had no reason to lie to me. In fact, most times, Kain was painfully honest with me.

I wish I could lose this feeling of foreboding that has attached itself to me. But with each day it becomes more pronounced, like a pregnancy that will reap no rewards. As much as I want to run away, to hide, I can not bear to leave him.

And I fear that in itself will be my undoing.

January 16, 2008

Whispers in the Night

He found me curled up and asleep in his bed. I hadn’t seen him in days, with no clue as to where he’d been or what he’d been doing. Kain doesn’t share much with me, and I have to wonder why. In many ways I think he believes he is protecting me, but how can I ready against the unknown? Several times I’ve thought of divining the cards, just to see what they have to offer, but I am afraid of what they might say.

"Charm has been asking for you. We both wish we could see you more. But we understand. Anything new with the resistance?"

"I wouldn't know.. I've been working for Phelps.. I am done with that...I think I am going to fall more fully into this role I've created. Maybe if Phelps trusts me more I can tell him about you.. maybe he won't hurt you."

"Do you really think that's a good idea? I mean, if he knows about me, he'll know about Charm." I was forgetting my place again, so I sought to soothe ruffled feathers before I angered him. "But of course, whatever you think."

"What choice do I have.. I fucked up with Gabe and perhaps if I can get him to trust that I am working for him. He'll leave my family alone. I will tell him about Charm."

To my surprise he said nothing and in an effort to keep the calm, I quickly changed the subject. "Are you going to have any days free soon? I was hoping to spend one with you." I could feel it. I can feel it. Our time is coming to an end, as bitter sweet at that ending will be. He promised to set aside some time at the end of the hand, but something inside told me that time would never come. He left the room and I thought I would not see him again, but he soon returned with chocolate cake, which we shared.

"Do you realize we've been companioned for a full three moons? Well, almost. We're just day or two shy. I couldn't have it dissolved." I felt the need to tell him this, so that he would know no matter what, I would stand by him. At all costs, even though he didn’t reply to my heartfelt words.

Kain is a hard man and it is not often he apologizes, but tonight he did. I told him that I loved him and that he did not have to apologize for anything.

Wrong answer.

His hand immediately went to my throat, his thumb resting over my lower lip, my reaction to his apology not taken very well. "Shut up for once and listen to me. No.. I don't have to tell you I am sorry. But I am sorry ...I am not asking you to accept this shit from me...but it is compulsion. I don't know why I fucked her. But I am sorry.. You probably don't.. understand how I could love you and do that.. but I do love you Astraea."

"I know. I have always known you wouldn't be faithful to me Kain, nor was it something I ever asked of you. I know your habits but it doesn't matter to me. I love you. I have always loved you. Slave or companion, I am yours now and forever. Until the day one of us no longer breathes."

A day I fear will come sooner, rather than later.

Family Reunions

He would probably have gotten a hug had I not an arm full of child.. but I did kiss his cheek when he neared. Aiden. I would not dare tell him so, but he was his father’s son. There was a time when I thought I loved him, before I met Kain. I was not the woman for him, this known by both of us. But neither did I have any regrets. He had found his love, as I had found his father.

"Tal Astraea.. Tal Little Charm." How are you these days, it's been awhile."

I was doing well, as was Charm, and he would be graduating in a few moons, after which he would companion.

"Astraea how old where you when you first showing signs of the gift?"

So there was a reason to his visit. "Six. I took the cards from my mother's desk and began to play with them. My mother was shocked that I knew what each meant, being she'd never showed them to be before. She asked me how I knew and I told her they whispered to me. She took them away, not giving them back until I was eight. And only then because I asked for them every day the two vars inbetween. Why do you ask?"

"I can feel her.." He was speaking of Charm. "She's very curious.. aAre you going to keep the cards from her as well."

"No, I am not. When she shows an interest, they will be hers. Though I think I will have trouble letting go."

"Do you think your child.. or children, will have your gift Aiden?"

"My gift is much different than yours.. or so I think, we've never really spoken much about it. But I should hope that no one has such a gift as me. It's a curse most days. She's really quite a lovely girl.... My little sister. You won't keep me from seeing her will you. Once you and Kain are companioned?"

"Of course not. You may see her whenever you like... Companioned? Aiden, I know he loves me, but do you really think he has any intention of companioning me? I mean.. really, he can't, not with his job and all. and I understand that. I'm happy the way things are. So when is your big day?"

He indicated my right wrist and the leather thong. "Yes I do. Come for a walk with me.. I don't want to talk about companionships."

I handed Charm off to her nanny, something that is getting easier to do with time. I could sense there was a sadness in Aiden, but I wasn’t sure what to say or do to make him feel better.

Astraea why do you not talk about your gift?"

"I don't know. I guess because it's such a part of me. Like an eye, or a nose. I don't talk about those things either." And too, it tended to frighten some, so I had learned at an early age to keep silent on the subject. "Would you like to talk about it Aiden?"

"I do not know.. is the extend of your gift hearing the cards? Have you ever felt things? Heard, saw things?"

"Yes.. when I was .. still a virgin. Sometimes the gift was transferred through touch. But that was lost the night you.. we.." Not a conversation to get into now. "But I'm not sorry it's gone. I don't miss that part of the gift. It made it hard for me to touch anyone. So to answer your question in more direct manner, yes, my gift seems to now.. only extend to the cards."

"Are you still mad that I did that?"

"No. I was never upset about that. I understand why you did it. It's in the past. You were forgiven vars ago. Are you sorry?"

"Mostly."

I remained in the coldness of gardens after he left, thinking on what he had said. "Valerians seem to have a thing for you." I’m not sure how long he’d been there, but his timing was impeccable. "What'd he want ?"

"He was just visiting. Curious as to Charm's and my well being. I hope I set his mind at ease.

Father and son seem to always be competing.

"I have a surprise for you. Charm is staying a few nights with her aunt and uncle. We are going to throw ourselves a party and we are going wake early and take a trip." Before I could argue he injected me. "I had your shop confiscated by the city and because the city loves me so, it was put into my name. I think I am going to sell the space and get you something nicer.. something more in the central city."

I remember little after that, save that I revolted against the plan of him taking my place of business, however long that might have lasted.

I want you close to me, Astraea.. But if you prefer to have that little toilet of a shop, so be it."

And then all was a blank page, but I think I was a very.. naughty girl.

Repercussions

Kain returned to us at last, his business with Phelps at an end for the time being. Even though he seemed anxious to see us, I could tell he was not completely happy at the fact we had left his home.

Charm was cranky, teething again, and I was at my wits end as what to do. He took over and calmed her down, giving her something to ease the pain. Who need a physician when one had Kain around.

He laid back on my couch, kicking off his shoes, but his rest was short lived. He found my couch to be anything but comfortable. An excuse to take me home, I was sure. I explained the situation and he promised to rectify it. I could only assume by this he planned on firing the cook. Even though I did not like all the pomp and circumstance, quite enjoying the tranquil essence my home had to offer, I agreed to return, though not right away.

"I do not explain myself to you. I will not ever explain myself to you.. especially not about a gift. Again this is not optional Astraea. Your choice.. you can do as I tell you. And enjoy what I offer. Or I can take you and Charm from this place and burn it to the ground. I will have my nanny care for the child and you.. I will make that little leather strap on your right arm.. very interesting for you."

I told him he had missed her birthday, but that we had celebrated in his absence. He seemed genuinely upset by this. He had thought it was today. I should have told him sooner. "We can celebrate today. Not many children get two birthdays in the same var. She's a lucky child. We're both glad you made the effort though, to return for her special day."

His reaction was immediate, fingers coiling around my throat, though they weren’t hard enough to choke. Not this time, though his anger was ripping through his outer calm. "I hate you for taking her away from me. And I swear to you if it ever happens again I will hunt ...you.. down.. "Please...don't make me do that." His hand dropped away and I stepped back, trying to regain my own composure. "I will be back. I am going to move Aneya out of the house, punish the slave and put his papers in your name. But I swear to you Astraea if you can not handle him.. I will be very upset."

I would forever be apologizing for my past mistakes. He would never trust me again, for love and trust do not go hand in hand. He loves his daughter, this I can clearly see, even if the love I have for him is muddied by temperance and attitude.

His hand entwined in my own, and I noticed the same leather thong that he had tied around my wrist, was tied around his own. Somewhere in that single action lay a commitment.

"Why do you wear it? Does it mean you belong to me?"

"It's a declaration of intent."

"What kind of intent?"

"Companionship."

I stopped asking questions at that point; sure he was amusing himself with more teasing games at my expense.

And so we three returned to a House filled with servants and slaves. He bid me to go upstairs upon our arrival, while he took care of other things, one of which I hoped would be the dismissal of the cook.

I had just gotten Charm fed and put down again, knowing Kain would expect me to be in his chambers when he returned. I did not, however, expect to see Leo being brought in and shackled to the floor in front of the couch.

"Do you know why I gave him to you Astraea?" His voice echoed from the edge of the bed. I hadn’t even heard him come in. "I wanted to show you why I like having dominion over you. Teach you what it's like." His hands whispered over my body, as his words were set to the shell of my ear.

Another covert game. One he plays so well. Insatiable man that he is.

There are times I despise his power over me, but in the same breath, I long for it, live for it. But could I display these same powers over another? I was dubious. He was insistent.

And I was soon to find myself shackled nose to nose with Leo, simply because my answers didn’t suit the questions Kain had asked.

Leo told me how to position myself so that I wouldn’t cramp and told me what to listen for in light of Kain’s return. I had asked him if he had been punished. He replied with a question, much like I do. "This is not punishment enough If you mean did he lash me.. no he didn't."

I hadn't really thought of this as being punishment.. until now. In my mind, it was just Castor being Castor. But I was glad he hadn’t been lashed.

"Does not being embarrassed.. does not being displayed hurt you?"

It did, of course, not that I would admit it to

“You have to understand him." Even now, after what he had done, I was making excuses for him. Love is truly blind.

I’m not sure how long I was shackled there, the two of us talking. But soon a slave girl returned to release us, limping. I felt pity for the girl, slave or not. She was suffering because I had sinned. Life can be so unfair.

He had taken Charm for an outing. I could only hope he’d sit fit to return her to me. I always feel as if he’s waiting for just the right moment to take her away from me for good, at a time when it will hurt me the most.

Why do I believe so furiously that it will be soon..

Every Woman Needs One

The house was not as I remembered it. The slaves were no longer bald, and the lower rooms had been redecorated, I could only assume to inspire its new tenants.

I liked the changes and I told him as much. I would have slaves at my beck and call, a cook, a nanny. As well as surprise I wasn’t expecting. A man. A slave to be exact. One that would play the part of guard or.. whatever I desired.

His eyes are green, so pure and bright, caught within a feathery hail of dark lashes. He is truly beautiful to behold, a better male specimen I have never seen. His name is Leopold.

I wasn’t sure what to do with him, for I have never even owned a pet before, let alone a human being. Was he a test? Again I wasn’t sure what Kain had in mind when giving him to me. I’m not sure what I expected of him either, which must have greatly confused him.

Kain had purchased him from an illegal fighting club only days ago. For a fighting slave, he seemed exceedingly gentle. And even though he was a slave, he was a man and I respected that. Though he may seem docile now, I knew that could change in a blink of an eye.

I own a man. I find that rather.. intoxicating.

Gods and Mortals

"Burn it to the ground."

I had been avoiding the fact that I needed to go and see him. While a part of me wanted nothing more then to see him and introduce him to his child, another part of me was just as terrified to do so.

I should have known better.

I saw him coming down the street with his entourage, thinking it was now or never. I called out to him, as he passed me. I should have let him go.

All the men had stopped when I called out his name and suddenly I was at a loss for words. Small talk. After all we had been through, I could think of nothing to say.. but small talk.

"Something I can help you with Astraea? I haven't really any cause to stand in the street and jaw with you."

"No, I don't suppose there is. I'm sorry to have bothered you." I wanted to tell him then and there about his daughter, but with the eyes of the other men upon me, I knew I could not. So I simply turned and left, as he did. But I watched where he went. Gathering Charm, I foolishly followed. It seemed nothing would deter me from my path.

I should have debated this further before acting upon it.

My prodigy was wrapped in her favorite pink blanket, I following him to the café he settled into. I took a seat at the table across from his, turning Charm to face him. He’d know. I was sure of it.

I wasn’t sure he got the hint at all by the time he had risen and passed me, thinking it had all been a grand waste of time.

I sat there in the café for some time, trying to figure out what more I could have done to make it all right, but the answer was nothing. I was even, to a point, relieved that he did not want us. It would make life easier for Charm and me.

I bundled my daughter up again and walked back to my shop. The door was kicked in and Castor was waiting for me, none too happy.

"What was the point of this?"

Had I not been obvious?

"I expect an answer to my question."

"I thought you would like to see your daughter. I was trying to be.. discreet."

"You were about as discreet as a troupe of Kajirae set a blaze in the square." He paused. The calm before the storm. "You're rather foolish for coming back here. You're a run a way slave, who stole my child. You've told people I was dead and harbored my child and her criminal brother. So Again I ask you what is the point of all this?"

Slave? I was stunned at his words. Stung by the waspish way they were spit at me. "But.. you released me! And what would you have me say? That she is the bastard of one of the Initiates killers? I only wanted to protect her. I didn't know what else to do. I haven't seen you since the night she was conceived. As for Aiden, I would have thought you would want me to try and help him. He is your son, after all." In all this my voice had never risen, still trying to keep the conversation as quiet as I could.

"No..no I didn't. I did not return for you, that's far from releasing you. I am sure you're more than aware of that. I would have you here.. to say nothing. As you should have been all along. And if I were you I'd stop wasting the few words I had left on telling me things I already know. Aiden is my heir and you my possession. Had you known me at all as well as you thought you did you'd know that I would never have wanted Aiden anywhere around you or THE infant. So again, and for the last time.. I ask you what the point of all this was? What it appears to me is that you have brought the babe here because you've run out of options. Perhaps had hoped for some happy

reunion?"

"I already told you the point. I wanted you to see her. No more, no less. I want nothing from you, nor did I hope for any happy reunion. I make good coin with my readings. I'm even going to be the entertainment for the grand opening of a Scribe School. I just thought you might like to hold her, at least once. Had I known you did not wish it, I would not have.. pursued it."

"I wonder... How you're going to do that, while you're imprisoned." He pulled a startled Charm away from me, his men swarming over me. My stomach felt as if it was hitting the floor and an icy claw closed over my heart. Charm cried out what I could not and I released her quickly so that she wouldn’t be further distressed. "Please, you can't take her away from me. Please." Quiet desperation, it was all I had left.

"And why not? You took her away from me...it's only fair.." He turned and walked away, his next words pulling another startled gasp from me. "Burn it to the ground."

What happened next was a blur. I was taken in another direction, away from my child. I had forgotten what a cold callus prick he could be. A mistake I was now paying dearly for. I was stripped and thrown into a basement, one so dark and foreboding I could not see further then my hand. How long I lingered in my dark and dusty prison I do not know, but to me, it was an eternity.

"Miserable little thing aren't you?" He had come. I wasn’t sure he would. "Before you start by pissing me off, No I will not release you, you are in no condition to make any demands, no one will come for you as they do not know where you are, yes your shop was burnt down, and no you can not see your daughter, but yes she is fine. I think we should take this opportunity to have a little talk, hm?"

The ground rules were set.

"Yes." Compliancy seemed the bane of my existence.

"The child is mine, if you take her out of this city again...I will make her watch as I peel every hort of skin from your body. You will come to me on the second night of the hand alone. On the fourth night of the hand you will bring my daughter to see me. You are still very much my slave. If you lay with another man I will enslave him and send him to the pits. Are we clear?"

"Yes." Suddenly Ar wasn't looking as promising as it had a hand ago. I faded further back into the corner, if such were possible, the makeshift blanket, one I had found in my quick exploration of the basement, was pulled tighter against me. "I understand."

"Come here."

There was only a moment’s hesitation in my movement, brought on by the cold stiffness in my body, but soon I stood before him, hopeful that he was not going to kill me. Kain is a man that likes games and I never know what to expect.

He pulled me down to the steps to sit with him. "You do not miss me?"

I wanted to laugh. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pummel his chest until my fists broke bone and flesh, to find the heart that I knew must lay there beneath. I wanted him to kiss me, or kill me.

I had missed him, despite the fact that I currently hated him. He pulled me from the steps, I still with my urt eaten rence covering, and through what was obviously the main room of an inn, to his room. I kept my head low, strands of red hopefully covering my face. "Are you hungry?"

"No.But I'm sure Charm is. It's been awhile since I.. fed her." I was so full of milk I thought I would burst. "I would appreciate a bath though. A hot one."

"She has eaten, I have seen to a wet nurse for her while you are not with her. You will be with me the second night of the hand and she will be with me the fourth, two nights you will not be able to feed her."

I hated the thought of another feeding my child. Taking my place. My expression always gives me away, and so did it this time. He wanted to know what was the matter. I had no choice but to tell him.

"You took my child and you burned down my shop. I have no clothing and my daughter has what she is wearing. Can I ask where my cards are?"

"Well I would assume if I were you, they to be in the ashes... but as its going to be really hard to keep from you the fact that your shop is fine when I send you back there in a few hands. I would assume where ever you left them in the shop."

Relief. Charm and my home was fine. "No, there were on me when you had my.. clothing removed. Please, would you inquire as to their whereabouts and get them back to me." The connection of cards and myself could be very uncomfortable if they were displaced for any length of time.

"Ah..then, you will find them in the other room on the sleeping couch."

I bathed and he joined me. I’m sure he could tell I was nervous but it was a nervousness that quickly gave way to surrender.

"I do not wish to be a slave Kain, for that would mean my daughter is a slave as well. Though someday, she may be by way of cards, I wish to not rush that fate. Is that what you want for your child?" I was pushing the envelope. "Free me."

"You should have thought of that before you submitted to me.. You belong to me and I haven't the mind to ...Free you." He grabbed me around the throat, lifting me out of the water and pressing me against the wall. It was then that he took me, still angry, harshness showing in his every movement. He wanted me to pay for what I had done. He wanted me to suffer, both body and mind.

My hands wrapped around his, trying to pry his fingers from my throat, gurgling at the same time he pushed into my body. My eyes were fixed on the man who took me without offering, then closed, the clawing of my hands stopped, then dropping to my sides, palms pushing against the wall behind me. I had resigned myself to what was to be. As a slave I couldn't be raped, both of us well aware of such a fact.

"I won't ever let you again.." I suppose in some odd form, that was his way of saying he loved me.

He had known about Charm since I started showing. He had kept tabs on me, knowing when I left for Schendi. Even knowing where I was staying once there. He had not forgotten or abandoned me. He had merely kept his distance.

"Is this our happy reunion?"

"I would say that being between your thighs was a pretty happy reunion for me."

Death comes in many forms, be it by the svelte easy line of a sharp blade, or the cold calculation of a broken heart.

I did miss him. More than he will ever know.

Flesh and Fire

I was healing. Odd that I would think such, but I was happy, for once simply allowing myself the enjoyment of Aiden's company, along with this father. Trapped between two men, two so different, and yet, so alike. It had been a quite awhile since I'd seen Castor, so I decided to go to his room. I didn’t knock, but allowed myself entrance, hoping to surprise him.

"Kane?" I no longer called him Castor, for that name was but a layer to the man who wore it. I found him resting on his couch, apparently napping. "Are you .. " No, not dead.. ".. Awake?"

He turned when I touched him, blinking, then looking at me. "I thought you were going to say dead." He smiled at me. His smiles always touch me, I suppose because he doesn’t do it often. "Hmm, so you finally got lonely enough to come find me?"

"Dead. Well, I did think it, but we both know you're not ready to die. No more than I am." I shifted him over, taking a seat next to him, as much couch as he would allow. "I'm not lonely. I just wanted to see how you were doing. It's been quite some time since I saw you last. You've not called me, which leads me to believe I've been replaced in your life. Something I always knew would happen. Or have you merely been.. busy? Taking care of the pikes of Ar? Or maybe Helix has had your attention. Have you not missed me, lover?" I had missed him greatly. But then, I always do.

“Replaced... hardly, I was giving you time to acclimate, as well as spend time with Aiden and his mother. But I'd be lying if I didn't mention the pikes of AR have seen slower days.. Helix? Oh yeah.. " He laughed and leaned up to look at me. "You're not fucking that boy are you?" I never know if he’s joking or not. He pulled me down and ran his fingers through my hair. "Come closer and I will show you how much."

"No, I'm not fucking Helix. I've not even seen him of late." I shrugged and leaned down to kiss him. "But I'll bet you would like to watch if I did. I'm quite acclimated to my new world, though I will disappoint you in saying I've not yet decided on exactly what I want to do. I didn't realize you knew that Aiden’s mother was here. Has she contacted you?"

"Of course I do, very little in AR happens without my knowledge. I’ve been given some leave from duties. A boy is bringing my 10% solution and a case of cosian wine. You will stay with me and we will have a party what do you say?"

"Of course I will stay, you have only but to ask, you know that." I moved to straddle him, the palm of my hand on his chest. "I have missed you my Kane, missed you so much. Have you missed me as well? So maybe we should play a game, something sinful? Hmm. Let me think, what are you in the mood for tonight. A red headed temptress with a temper to match? Or perhaps I should find me a wig and play the part of a blonde bombshell, or maybe a dark haired woman that has all the answers. Or maybe tonight, I will be the evil one. Give you a respite from your days' work."

Someone knocked at the door and our revelry was put on hold, the box he had ordered earlier delivered.

Wine was poured, his special solution readied by way of injection. I asked him what it was. "You're going to inject in into yourself?"

"I was planning to injecting it into you. It's a 10% solution.. iociane, kanda, and wingfish poisons. It's very powerful shit." He stabbed the needle into his arm and released the drug into his system. His look was euphoric.

"What does it do to you?"

"I can not explain it other than.. it is what being alive ...true alive feels like. I can give you a small taste if you'd like it?"

I gave him consent by way of my arm thrust in his direction. Briefly, I wondered if it would.. kill me. It wasn't that I wanted to die, but that I wanted to feel as if I were on the edge. I have to admit I have never before felt anything like that.

"Oh Kings I need you so much Astraea." When I touched him I could see a blond woman pinned to wall, though I couldn’t quite make out her face. "Who is she?"

“Is it coming back slowly?" He held me as if I were a child. "I did something foolish Astraea. I just.. can't." He closed his eyes, the drug coursing through his veins. Through my veins. "Astraea... I have told you a great many things about myself. I have confided in you when I could not anyone else. I have killed people for knowing much less. I am so tired of this game Astraea. I am leaving Ar for good."

If he thought he was leaving without me, he had another thing coming. "Take me with you. Where ever you want to go, I would go with you. We need not stay in Ar, I don't care about that. But I can't be without you. Not today, or tomorrow, or ever."

"You will see what I did sooner or later. You will know. I was directed to separate you and Aiden. I did a great deal of the things I to you when we first met because I wanted him to stay way from you. But the band.. when you submitted.. When I... I fell in love with you Astraea. I can not be in love. Castor Minos Can not ...be in love.."

"I know. I've know all along that you were trying to separate Aiden and me. I knew it and I ignored it. Don't get me wrong, I love Aiden. He's a good person, and I would do most anything for him, but I don't love him as I love you. I don't care that you are Castor, creator of evils, perpetrator of crimes committed against those of.. whatever. I don't care, do you hear me? I want to be with you and I will do whatever I have to to make that happen. I submitted because I love you. Castor Minos does not have to love me.. But the man Kane, if he wishes it, can."

"Get dressed we are going to my house." Our gait was slow, simply enjoying the chance to be with each other without any outside interference. "Do you remember the first time I had you? Do you remember every time I'd had you? I thought at first I could get my jollies off on you while using you for you gift. That was why I did it. Do you remember that night I took you on the floor in bathroom? It made me realize how much I wanted to be with you. I needed to be close to you. I paced my room for ahn talking myself out coming to you."

"I hated you that first day I met you. I knew you were up to no good. I knew that you were going to use me for every thing you could, but as time passed, I found I didn't care. I fell in love with you, not by choice, but by chance. I am yours, no matter how you look at it."

"I want you.. flesh and fire." We bathed and talked and drank as the night wore on.

"Tell me Astraea, have you missed me?" He knew I had, but somehow I felt he needed to hear it. Even as he was injecting me again. "I did not realize it until tonight just how much I missed you, but I did miss you."

"Yes, I missed you. I always missed you, the one true man that makes me weep with pleasures wrought." It didn’t even cross my mind that it was a dangerous thing I played with. I was intoxicated, not only by the drug, but by the man himself.

"Where should we go? Bazi? Schendi? Thentis? Maybe Treve? If we travel can I put a collar on you and have you naked and at my feet?"

"Anywhere you like, I care not where we go, so long as you take me with you, be that by way of free woman, or slave. Either way, I will always be naked at your feet. Even now, though invisible, I wear your collar. And I always will."

"I love you Astraea."

I knew it to be true. I could see it when I touched him. In fact, I could see many things. It was as if a whole new world had opened up to me. My eyes revealed not the muddied color of lost sight, but a brilliant green, one that was almost fluorescent in hue. "I love you Kane, I love you." I'd given myself over to him long ago, obeyed his commands with little heed for myself, and kept his secrets, a price reaping greater than anything I’d ever allowed before. I felt a closeness with him, one I'd never felt before. One not only of hearts, but of souls.

I saw it all. The various misdeeds, rapes, murders, tortures, double dealings, things that were part of Castor. I saw Phelps and Kane’s hatred of the man he worked for and how Castor had hid that man's secrets. A holy man who raped and murderer for profit. How it had never sat well with him. He had grown stoic to protect the last piece of his heart from the monster he had become. It mind became a hallway of doors and I dared to open as many as I could, the succession of flashed images pulsing past my eyes, the gruesome as well as the benign. "Kane." My hand glided down over his side, my finger tracing the scar of 'loyalty', trying to glean the truth from it as well. "So much pain." I saw him as a very young man perhaps a few years old than Aiden now. He was speaking to someone a few years older then he, of the resistance about Castor Minos and the unique opportunity that Kane must take. He was carving an L into his chest, but it was Trevion who had finished the task, so that he would always remember, so he would never forget who he was.

I saw him sitting with a small group of children. He had been a scribe, a teacher when he lived in Amarna. I saw him on that warm spring day on the coastal land.. A red head woman beautiful and innocent staring at him from behind the corner of a building. When the lesson was over he would went to her. Lovers.. Aiden’s mother, she too so different. He was happy then. I watched the voyeaurous creation of their son, Aiden. So much to take in, so little time to decipher it all. I watched the scrapbook of visions parade past, trying to consume every bit of information.

Lovers, brothers, children and more, each holding their own private place in the catacombs of his mind. My finger moved from the word, upwards over the numbers that somehow had always seemed a symmetrical obsession with him. I wasn't even shocked by the fact that I was seeing into a man with a vision that had eluded me, one that I thought had been stolen by his son. The kisses that collapsed over flesh began to make me dizzy, my head turning to the side in order to stabilize the .. vision sea sickness. But still, I didn't want it to stop. I was seeing into a man who had never given his secrets up easily. The rhythm of bodies was kept, motion for motion. "More. More..." The greed of wanting to see into his past, to the truth was consuming me, but I knew I could not stop.

"Astraea..." I was already a part of him and had been since our very first encounter. I'd just not realized it then. Had he? I heard my name whispered, even as the first number was touched. Six, for the six high members of the brother's of light the men who had stolen children, killed, lied, destroyed cities. I felt an unnatural rage, one that was almost inhuman. Five, an ancient library in his mind's eye. I could hear his voice in my head reading the written word of a Scholar of the ancient city of Amarna. I felt a tear. The journal entry bespoke of a city made of glass that stood in the place where AR did now. A war or perhaps an attack, and the city was no more. Four, children sitting in a courtyard, suddenly seized by two men. I saw him, his head in his hands. The children were being taken upstairs to be raped by Phelps. When Phelps had finished, Castor was sent to kill the children to prove his loyalty. The children already close to death. He killed them quickly, small necks broken to end their pain. I watched as he sat on the floor that night weeping. Three was again the brother, a blond woman and another young man named Lir, now dead. Castor had killed him. Two. Aiden and his mother interlaced with a deep feeling of loss. One. This was the most frightening of all. It was Castor himself, how he saw himself. A fearsome monster, disgusting and violent.

Sensory overload was beginning to take its toll, on both body and mind. Rage, sorrow, pain, possession, all enormously equipped for the final emotional revolution. I cried out, the tears that fell from no where fusing with the outward seeping of my own. The plunder of my body commingled with small lost souls, the screaming overridden by first terror, then such a telling hatred I thought I would suffocate. The aura of despair was thick, like a ghostly fog I couldn't seem to pull myself out of, one that coiled and tethered me in wisps of regret. The aberration of abandonment. The hand that had caressed each of the numbers so carefully was pulled back as the last vision faded, the tips of my fingers feeling as if they had been burned. And indeed they had, the metaphysical of one universe coagulating with the impossibilities of another. I had not moved, at least not at first when he had pulled away from me, still reeling from all the honesties I had wrenched from him. My breathing was erratic, as was his, and my flesh had paled to an almost translucent hue, skin that caught the low light with fleeting iridescent glimmers of quicksilver, pinks and turquoises never seen before, the solution working its way through me in its oddly effecting way. When air once again was able to fill my lungs, I rose, though the stand was unsteady. "Kane." One hand reached out to him, fingers wavering slightly as if I was already touching him, the slight spectral glow pulsing just beneath my flesh. Lashes fluttered, intermittently revealing the strange color of eyes beneath, before I folded and fell to the floor near his feet. I had done something I'd never done before, I had fainted, and by the expression on my face, I was still trapped in his world of torment, all hope forsaken. His hell my prison.

No movement save the butterfly effect of dark lashes and the rapid eye movement that one always associated with dreams. I seemed to be cursed with a knowledge I couldn't depart, though slowly, the paleness waned and color began to fill my cheeks. I could see him, from above, a man distraught at what he had done, his head resting on my stomach, though I couldn't quite feel the touch. I was calling out to him, trying to reach him, trying to gain his attention by ways of another path, my body lost in the recesses of some odd coma like eclipse. I could hear him, I could feel his inner turmoil, but I could not break through the barrier that yet separated us. It was as if I were on the wrong side of a mirrored glass, where I could see in, but he couldn't see out. My fists pounded against the translucent wall, though my body made no such moves. I was trapped in time. His time.

His Father's Son

I had arrived early, not wishing to be late, knowing how he abhorred tardiness, the key used to gain entry. His house was large, no less beautiful than I had expected, decorated in shades of dark blue, which reminded me of his eyes. There were paintings of men, ancestors I suppose, who stared down from their lofty positions from above, as if they were waiting for me to make a mistake.

The slaves were odd creatures, each girl bald, even her eyebrows having been shaved. All their eyes were brown and all wore a band of black as their collar. I couldn’t help but stare when one approached me. "The master wishes you to be bathed. Right this way mistress." She led me to a stairway, where a male slave greeted me; a number carved into his shoulder, taking me the rest of the way to the room I was to wait for Castor in.

"Enjoy yourself in the master's chambers. There are clothes for you on the bed. Call if you need anything."

I undressed before I explored.

The bed chamber huge, with books covering the entire surface of two walls from floor to ceiling. His sleeping couch was massive and downy, slave chains in the floor all polished to perfection and laid precisely the same. Everything was uniform, even the size of the book, once I’d noticed. Long blue sheers separated the room and it smelt like him. The bathing pool was scented with something I thought might be a floral oil, and there were blue blooms scattered on its surface. So too was the water not clear, it was a milky white, cream having been added to make the skin softer.

I had just began my descent into it, when the liquid in the pool rippled, Castor appearing from beneath the surface, a fact that had startled me so much that I almost tripped trying to back up. How God like, even in his weariness, a man I worshipped daily as I knelt at his feet. "You frightened me. I didn't expect you to be.. here."

"I got finished early.. Come here.. I missed you."

"Perhaps you should have someone paint a likeness of me. Then you could wear it in a locket around your neck."

"Perhaps.. though it would only serve to get you killed."

He had dragged me through the warmth of milk white waters to the middle of the pool, holding me in his arms.

"How do you like the house of Valerian?" He was different tonight, almost playful. Certainly not the same man I had seen only ahns before, covered in blood.

"Your house is lovely. Why are your slaves all bald though?"

"They do not all have the same hair color. With hair they do not like the same." He did seem to have an unusual addiction to things being.. uniform. "I have not been back to this house in 2 turnings. I wanted to see it.. I am going to give it to Aiden. Will you and he be companioned?"

I pulled away from him, turning so that he was facing my back. "You talk as if you are a man about to die. Is this what that is.. a.. farewell?" I was silent for a few ihns, before I turned around to face again. "I don't want to hear that. And I don't want you to tell me such things. You of all people know I will not companion. I.. can't give him what he needs, any more than I can offer it to you."

"Shut up woman, or I will make it so you will never hear anything again. Of all the things I have instilled in you patience should be one of them. You will companion Aiden.. and bear him children. And if you do not you're a fool. My son loves you.. and you him."

Silence. One serviced with my mouth hanging open like a country barn door. "Your..." My hand rose to my mouth, terminating the sound that was sure to emerge. Or maybe it wouldn't. Maybe I would never be able to speak again. No, he'd never get off that easily. "How long have you known? And why would you play such a .. cruel game with me?"

"A cruel game? What game do you speak of? That I find the woman who slacks my lusts and I can not take her because though she is mine, my only son loves her. I'd kill him if he was not my kin. You know this don't you?" He turned and walked toward the stairs.-"How old is he now?"

"You don't seem to keep up very well on the life of your only son." Betrayal was felt, for me, for Aiden, and yes, even for Castor. "Twenty one. Why, why did you even ask me here tonight?"

"You’ll lose your tongue very easily speaking that way to me tonight. I am not in the mood and you'll find it hard to explain yourself when you can not speak. Twenty one.... That makes sense I was not in Amarna in about that length of time. Is he strong... brave?"

"Yes. And more. He is everything you are not. Trusting, loving. And together we deceived him. Last night, did you enjoy that? And today, you told me you loved me, was that a lie as well? A ruse to get me here so that you could cut me open and tear out my insides? Do you enjoy seeing me bleed Castor?" I knew I was walking on dangerous ground, but I couldn't seem to help myself. I stepped from the water, a beeline made for the robes I'd so recently depleted myself from.

He moved quickly towards me, and grabbed my by my throat, squeezing. "HOW DARE YOU!! YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A USED UP PIECE OF ASS!" His roaring more deafening because he almost always spoke just above a whisper and he was seldom emotional.

"You want to see blood.. I will show you blood." He grabbed my hand and set it over his heart.

I wasn't sure what hurt more, the hand on my throat, the words that he uttered so easily, or the vision that rocked her backwards with such a force of emotion it seemed the world around me had stopped.

Identical twins. Beautiful red haired goddesses, one the woman of Kane, one not, but wishing she was. He was happy then, a teacher and a scholar, his chosen companion to be like me, a woman of the Arcane. Their love was passionate and true, but no love is ever safe from the evil it must always endure.

Two bodies wrapped in salacious embrace, each hungry in their lusts. He hadn’t realized it, finding only too late he had the wrong woman, the one of his choosing catching him cheating on her with her sister. She ran from the room sobbing despairingly, her heartbreak overwhelmin and empty of hope, even as a confused Castor ran after her, but not before he’d snapped the neck of the woman he had lain with.

The woman’s father sought him out and Castor was dragged into the square of Amarna and tried for murder. The father carved the word Loyalty into his chest. Darkness. Temple initiates, he being tended by them. He swearing his life to them.

And then I saw me. Us. The night before. I saw his dreams the way he saw them. He did love me, but now I knew why. I looked like the woman he’d lost vars before, a woman he had never seen again. He loved me because I reminded him of her.

I saw him find the record of Aiden’s birth, one that was shipped to him from Bazi. And then it was over, he tossing me to the floor. I didn’t have far to fall,

"Leave me."

I had tasted of his past, unmoving in my position on the floor, even after he had told me to go. Never had a vision been so clear, so real. Even now, I could remember every single detail. "She never stopped loving you. She thought you betrayed her. She loved your son unconditionally, raised him to be the man he is today. And I know you love me. Would it surprise you to know that I love you as well? I love you Castor. I have for sometime now."

"No would not surprise me, but I absolve you of your tie to me. You belong with my son. You should think carefully about what it is your plan to do with your life Lamia. It is moving faster than you think, so for you to love my son and not take him as your man, it's foolish. You asked me if this was farewell. Unfortunately yes I can not have you. Go home Astraea.. I will have one of my men walk you."

Stunned into silence, I rose and dressed, feeling as if I were in some horrible dream. I had not even told Aiden I'd loved him, though I did suspect it was true. When the last of the fastenings were clipped, I'd plucked my slippers from the floor and headed towards the door.

"Astraea?" I paused, then felt the wrapping of his arms around me. "I did not set out to hurt you I hope that you know this." And then he kissed me. He kissed me the way a master kissed his love slave. He kissed me to bone. To the pain.

The cards had been right. They'd warned me. Over and over again they'd screamed out their cautioned alerts. The kiss was accepted, and to my surprise, returned with such a savage intensity, he might for a moment, think he had the wrong woman in his arms. And just that quick, it was over, and I was detaching myself from him. "Farewell Castor." My voice sounded strange, ethereal, the voice of a woman long ago that had loved him to the core. I turned, melting into the vortex that would lead me back to the inn and a bed filled with.. son.

Did you have your fill..

Feeding from my soul?

Is your body now nurished?

Your pulse out of control..

Has your hunger been vanquished?

Since you partook of my heart..

Are you strong again?

Now that I'm torn apart..

Are you happy now?

That my emotions are drained..

That my will is gone..

That every breath is pained..

Do my tears quench your thirst?

As you drink deep of my sorrow..

Will I still feel?

When I open my eyes tomorrow..

Did I sate your desire?

Satisfy your dinner mood..

Gratify your craving?

Was I good as your food?