I awoke to Kain and Charm leaning over my bed, patting me and trying to draw me from a deep sleep. Both moved to sit on the edge of my couch, while I tried to tame the wild red ringlets of Charm and myself. My two most favorite people in the world were hungry." Zarah came to see me this morning..." The perfect way to start out my day. "She came under the guise of patching things up with Gabe... I do not wish to do that.. Gabe is better without me."
"Guise? So you don't think her patching things up between the two of you was her main objective?"
"Doubtful.. I am not sure what she was here for...I am not even sure she does. She made comments about the fling between us.. belittled you.. and generally was her normal self."
Trust. I kept repeating it quietly under my breath. Given a chance, I did think he would sleep with her again. But he hadn’t. He had no reason to lie to me. In fact, most times, Kain was painfully honest with me.
I wish I could lose this feeling of foreboding that has attached itself to me. But with each day it becomes more pronounced, like a pregnancy that will reap no rewards. As much as I want to run away, to hide, I can not bear to leave him.
And I fear that in itself will be my undoing.
Whispers in the Night
He found me curled up and asleep in his bed. I hadn’t seen him in days, with no clue as to where he’d been or what he’d been doing. Kain doesn’t share much with me, and I have to wonder why. In many ways I think he believes he is protecting me, but how can I ready against the unknown? Several times I’ve thought of divining the cards, just to see what they have to offer, but I am afraid of what they might say.
"Charm has been asking for you. We both wish we could see you more. But we understand. Anything new with the resistance?"
"I wouldn't know.. I've been working for Phelps.. I am done with that...I think I am going to fall more fully into this role I've created. Maybe if Phelps trusts me more I can tell him about you.. maybe he won't hurt you."
"Do you really think that's a good idea? I mean, if he knows about me, he'll know about Charm." I was forgetting my place again, so I sought to soothe ruffled feathers before I angered him. "But of course, whatever you think."
"What choice do I have.. I fucked up with Gabe and perhaps if I can get him to trust that I am working for him. He'll leave my family alone. I will tell him about Charm."
To my surprise he said nothing and in an effort to keep the calm, I quickly changed the subject. "Are you going to have any days free soon? I was hoping to spend one with you." I could feel it. I can feel it. Our time is coming to an end, as bitter sweet at that ending will be. He promised to set aside some time at the end of the hand, but something inside told me that time would never come. He left the room and I thought I would not see him again, but he soon returned with chocolate cake, which we shared.
"Do you realize we've been companioned for a full three moons? Well, almost. We're just day or two shy. I couldn't have it dissolved." I felt the need to tell him this, so that he would know no matter what, I would stand by him. At all costs, even though he didn’t reply to my heartfelt words.
Kain is a hard man and it is not often he apologizes, but tonight he did. I told him that I loved him and that he did not have to apologize for anything.
Wrong answer.
His hand immediately went to my throat, his thumb resting over my lower lip, my reaction to his apology not taken very well. "Shut up for once and listen to me. No.. I don't have to tell you I am sorry. But I am sorry ...I am not asking you to accept this shit from me...but it is compulsion. I don't know why I fucked her. But I am sorry.. You probably don't.. understand how I could love you and do that.. but I do love you Astraea."
"I know. I have always known you wouldn't be faithful to me Kain, nor was it something I ever asked of you. I know your habits but it doesn't matter to me. I love you. I have always loved you. Slave or companion, I am yours now and forever. Until the day one of us no longer breathes."
A day I fear will come sooner, rather than later.
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