Lucky Me

I think they will forgive me, but I had no where else to turn. It’s not something I can talk to anyone about, and I felt as if I needed a clearer view. If I can only understand, that in itself promises freedom.

I did today something I rarely do, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I shuffled the cards for at least an ahn, while I rationalized that what I was doing. The deck was cut and I stared at it while I toiled with my decision. Spurred on by fragments of hope, I quickly chose three cards, before I lost my nerve.

The Ten of Coins.
The loss of honor, difficult times and family misfortune. This was the card of my past, but could have very well been the card of my present. Loneliness. It brought to thought my son and I immediately felt a pang of pain, of undeniable regret and mourning. I could feel my fingers twitch and I pulled them from the surface of rence, but even then I could hear their whispers.

Tre Moons
How utterly appropriate that this would be the card of my present. Nightmares and phobia’s, emotional chaos. An error caused by an inability to see the consequences. Deception, illusion. Hidden forces. Despair. Mistakes.

The Star
Self doubt. Disappointment and frustration. A delayed hope. Bitterness. This the card of my future, but only if I continued on the path I currently walked.

I have been floating about like a wraith in some haunted, nightmarish carnival, moving from camp to camp, a reading done here, a reading done there, oblivious to the things that surround me. They’ve quieted now, the cards, as has Mia, not moving nearly as much as she had only a couple of days ago, which in my experience is usually a sign that it won’t be long until her arrival.

My sister has taken Charm, promising to keep her through the end of the fair, so that I can rest.. and think. Charm was quite happy with the prospect, Maay promising to show her a number of plants that grow in the glade not too far away. Her daughter, Eden, is beautiful, with dark hair and big blue eyes. Perhaps it runs in the family.

I was returning from one of the camps, coppers in hand from the two readings I had done, when I was approached by a man asking if I had a scarf and if I would like to exchange for a favor. I told him I did not, which should have been obvious by the swell of my belly, and started to move on, but he grabbed my arm and turned me to face him again. I immediately burst into tears and he released me, smiled, and pointed to the cards. I felt so foolish over my emotional outburst that I read him for free. I have to get a grip. I can’t do it again, reliving what I went through two years ago when I lost my son. I refuse, as long as I have breath, to lose this child as well.

I cannot repair the past or the damage done. I made a mistake, and though he may never trust me again, which is well within his right, I will not run away. I made a promise that I intend to keep, for as long as it is humanly possible, even though circumstances have now changed, my feelings have not.

I pray it’s not too late to change my future.