Voices from the Past

I have been trying to write this entry for days, to put exactly how I feel on rence, but I have not been able to do it, until now. Each time I open my journal, I stared at the blank page for ahns, before closing it and putting it away. I thought I had come to crossroad in my life, where I realized I must make a decision as to how I would continue, but all I could do was stand in the middle and turn myself in circles, confused on which path to take. One road would lead to my surrender, and while it would fill one need, it would remove another even though I knew my own selfish desires should not be equated into the picture.

Lucian saw my confusion, my wariness to travel a road that was once familiar. This was how it came to be that he shared certain voices from the past, to try and help me understand.

I know I have a place in his life, one that is, by now, with the swell of pregnancy, well defined. I am caretaker of his, mine and our, children. I do not consider it a duty, but a privilege.

What I learned today is that I’m not the only one who has these conflicting feelings, that it’s even natural. I understand that now, more than I ever have before. I no longer feel the need to tamper, to hide away in a labyrinth of thoughts and would might have been.

All layers of freedom have a price. Finally, I have found mine.